Dear Wacky Mommy:

What’s the secret to maintaining self-esteem while maintaining a home? I provide childcare, and I am a stay-at-home mom. I know this is what I am best at doing, but it is hard in a society that doesn’t really value this as “real work” or especially “smart work.” Really hits on any insecurities that one may have about their intelligence and purpose anyway. Kind of like your story about visiting your old work — “Uh, yea, it’s all I’m doing.” Just doesn’t seem to be enough. And it doesn’t sound great at cocktail parties. These damn gray days don’t help either. geezus.

Signed,

SAHM

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Is anyone still out there? Sorry, it has been way, way, way too busy. What with eating, and dieting, and being a complete stereotype of an overfed neurotic housewife who can’t find her datebook. But enough! Tomorrow I will write about Wacky Girl’s classroom, and the kid who stabs himself with scissors. Today, it’s time for the Advice Column.

Dear Wacky Mommy:

Where are you? The masses are waiting! ;-) I have a question for you. What to do if your seven-year-old does not seem too interested in making more than one friend? Even if I know other children want to be her friend (I find notes of admiration in her backpack-swear-to-God!). Is this okay? And if not, how to encourage a little branching out? Her “one chosen” is a real sweetie and they do have a great friendship, but I do want her to be able to share her wonderful self with more than one.

Any advice Wacky Mommy? Thanks.

Signed,

Wondering About the Social Life of My Seven-Year-Old

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Dear Wacky Mommy:

I would like some advice about (gasp!) love n’ stuff, and since you have a great relationship with that great guy Wacky Daddy, I thought you might oblige.

I pretty much swore off men a few years ago. Not just, “I-had-a-bad-breakup-and-I’m-swearing-off-men-for-a-while” kind of thing, but a whole “after much soul searching, I have concluded that I need to be on my own to just work on ME for a while.” Also, I am very busy and barely managing to keep my own life afloat so why mix another person and relationship/problems/time commitment in there?

Then (in a moment of lonliness-induced weakness,) I filled out an eHarmony profile. I did this mostly with the thought of “Yeah, right, like I will meet anyone who will be interested in me, so why not?” The problem is, I did! In fact, I met two very nice men. I’ve been e-mailing and chatting with them and now it is about time to decide whether to meet face to face. (We’ve exchanged pictures.)

Now I have all these decisions: Do I start dating? If so, how do I make time for it? (Am Busy Single Mom). How can I tell if he is a psycho freak and/or pedophile as they do not have categories for this on eHarmony? Where should we meet, if we should meet at all? Help!

Signed,

Lucy Lovelorn

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Dear WackyMommy:

Help! My boys are acting like my brothers did when they were their age. This would be okay, but my brothers grew up to be total geeks! Are my boys destined to be total geeks too? Or can I change this? If so, how?

Signed,

My-Mother-Was-More-Neurotic-Than-Yours

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Dear Wacky Mommy:

My nails keep breaking. They�ve been weak for months and months now! But if I wear polish, everyone will assume I don�t pray. (Long story�) Should I get a henna and deal with orange nails till well into 2006?

Love,

Weak Nails, Strong Teeth

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Dear Wacky Mommy:

My husband sleeps until all hours of the day. He sleeps too damn much. How do I get him to not sleep so much? He says sex will help, tit for tat or something, I say forget it.

Help?

Signed,

No Sex for Sleep-In

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My lovely, talented in-laws arrive today, so in honor of their visit, I’ve purchased a half-gallon of Tanqueray and a half-gallon of Absolut. Wacky Daddy, even though he was the one who sent me to the liquor store, knowing that I would have both kids with me, knowing that this makes me look like the biggest losingest DRUNK IN LIFE, “Nice influence on your kids, Lady!” did the same. Yes, we now have a gallon of gin and a gallon of vodka in the house. He even bought maraschino cherries, so Wacky Girl and Wacky Boy can have Kiddie Cocktails.

Get ’em started early, that’s our motto. “Mixed nuts with those cocktails, kids? Stuffed olives?” So I’d better write the advice column early, before I’m too drunk to type…

And now, without further ado, The Friday Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others…

Dearest Wacky Mommy:

Help! I’ve lost my husband. First there was the goatee. Then there was the mustache that sort of morphed into the goatee. Then the mustache took on a life of its own — sprouting these “handlebar” things –giant curly wisps of hezz hezz hezz. And now…it’s the beard. Not so much a beard as patchy clumps of hez-short and hez-long scattered carelessly about what used to be a very adorable, soft, baby-smooth face.

Hezz! Everywhere! It’s in my mouth and up my nostrils when we kiss. “Stuff” gets in it. Food. Beverage. Lint. Legos. Small animals. My own personal bodily fluid…

The horror. The horror.

It’s gotta go. My husband has turned into some sort of urban Grizzly Adams. We were having sex the other day and I kept getting distracted, thinking he looked like he had a Tribble on his face. The thing is — he knows how I feel about it, and he refuses to…compromise. I’m normally a shaver, but I’m seriously considering letting my dark Slavic genes get their fuzz on. What’s a gal to do?

Signed,

Grizzly’s Wife

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Dear Wacky Mommy:

Signed,
Pizza Mom

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No word today from C. I know she’s working her ass off. C, if you read this — we love you and R and the kids and the whole family! Maybe you finally got to see your Mom? I hope…

Now, a brief word about housework. As some of you know, I have a love/hate relationship with housework. I love a clean house; I hate what it takes to get it there. Newest trick: Mop the kitchen floor right before it’s time to start cooking dinner and delay the process.

And… Does anyone have questions? I’ve abandoned the Friday Advice Column for Neurotic Mothers & Others, in case you haven’t noticed. I also answer Haircare and Daycare questions, fyi.

WM

Dear Wacky Mommy: I am sorry. Am I the only one with crazy in-laws? One is a drunk at night and likes to find men and the other one is stuck in the south with his crazy wife and his four kids (Hello—-stop breeding). How to deal with these people? What I would really like to do is just go to the Caribbean and fish for our life. We would have to get a bigger boat. And lots of rum — we are parrotheads.

Signed,

Parrothead Mommy

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