THIRTEENERS!!!! I just wanted to say “hey.” Hey. How you doin’? USUAL SUSPECTS!!!! Hello, and noooooooo you are not forgotten. I am, however, forgetting about this week’s Thursday Thirteen because… why shouldn’t I?

13. Ash in Wonderland (and her boobs) wrote a freakin’ great post for me and I am still enjoying it. And her boobs. Plus, it immediately started a fight! Excellent work, Ash-girl. I kinda enjoy blog-fighting. Except the subject was serious, so I shouldn’t be being flip. They both care, that’s why it got hot for a minute. Ash, thanks for everything. Mia, thank you to you and your co-workers for the extremely hard and thankless work you do. Peace and I’m lighting candles for the kids, right now. (more…)

Dear Thursday 13ers and Usual Suspects,

Here is a weather update from Portland, Oregon, where it rains most of the time. People somehow cannot deal, in spite of the fact that it always rains. Well, except for (sometimes) part of July, (usually) most of August and (often) into September. And (once in awhile) we get October. The first two weeks in October, at least. Then back to Your Rain Channel.

New Yorkers: “It rains just as much in New York, inch-wise. It’s just all at once.”
me: “I do not think so.”

The weather! It is baffling!

This, in spite of the fact that Oregon, She is Constant. She is Constantly Raining. Except in the desert, where it is drought, and the people, they are all, “Again with the drought? Why does God hate us? We could use some of your Portland rain.” Etc.

Portlanders, they start to think, starting around now (end of January) maybe the rain will let up? Maybe? So our conversations go like this…

1. You think it’s going to keep raining?

2. Wow, it’s raining really hard!

3. It’s not raining that bad.

4. Did the weathermen say snow? Do you think it will really snow? I mean, a lot?

5. Do you think they’ll close the schools?

6. Do you think we’ll get a snow day?

7. Do you think it will be freezing rain, instead of snow?

8. I hate the freezing rain, don’t you? It’s so scary! How the roads get all icy? It’s hard to drive in.

9. It’d be nice to get some sun.

10. Maybe over spring break?

11. Geez, people here really don’t know how to drive in the weather.

12. I mean, I can handle it. But other people really do not know how to drive in the weather.

13. It didn’t rain that much today.

Dear, dear neglected Thursday Thirteeners and All You Usual Suspects,

What’s going on? Should I dare to try to write a Thursday 13 list, even though I don’t have a brain in my head? (Long month. New job. Much going on with piano lessons, Girl Scouts, swimming and etc. Plus it’s cold. I am shivering. Too many excuses, sorry.) I say yes.

Thirteen Things I Have Used as Security Blankets Over the Years: (more…)

13. “Step away from my Navigator. I have to pick up my dress.”

12. “Benny thinks he wants to be a polygamist.”
“OK, fine. Enjoy your future daughters-in-law.”

11. “But afterwards, Ben has to stay and go to Sun Valley with us… He’ll be surrounded by exceptional people.”

10. On dealing with jealousy: “I sublimate it, because I’m serving a higher purpose. In your case there’s no higher purpose, which is why it’s a problem.”

9. “Listen to me — she is a used-up hag. Sarah, you are as fresh as a flower. That’s where your strength lies.”

8. “Hold on to your chastity, but show him what he’s missing.”

7. Wife 2 to Wife 1: “Look, when Number One and Two throw their lots together, there’s nothing they can’t accomplish.”

6. “Yes, I have three wives. And I’m committed to all of them. And you fooling around with girls on the side is not the same thing and you know it.”

5-1. “Mommy’s on a very short leash…” “They were sealed?” “But Mommy is sealed to Daddy…” (chaos ensues) “So the last thing Mommy needs is to have you galloping around having a little polygamist melt-down, huh?” “No. I’m staying.”

(from Season 2, “Take Me As I Am”)

(I love this psycho show.)

(Especially Margene.)

(Happy Thursday!)

Dear Thirteeners and Usual Suspects,

There is nothing that screams HAPPY NEW YEAR’S to me like going shopping. Do you have a special, intimate relationship with Costco? Sam’s Club? Whatever you have, wherever you are? (more…)

Dear 13ers and Usual Suspects,

It’s SNOWING again right here in RIVER CITY! Portland, Ore., is not known for our many inches of snow. We are known for our many inches of rain. Snow = winter = making a big bowl of popcorn and watching movies.

Hockey God and I watched the film “Waitress” last night. Have you seen it? I rarely see movies in theaters anymore, it’s nothing but DVDs around here. It was just a great film — tragic and funny and goofy and moving, all in the right proportions. The DVD includes a featurette about the making of the film, and a sweet memorial to the late Adrienne Shelly, the film’s writer and director.

The movie’s theme of pies made me think of my late cousin, Travis, pie-lover extraordinaire. His famous quote: “I like any kind of pie. I like ’em all — pumpkin, lemon meringue, apple, cherry, blackberry, chocolate. One kind I don’t like, though. Cow Pie.” (We were at my grandparents’ dining room table at the time, looking out at the cattle grazing in the field.) I miss you, cuz. Just because, cuz. Here are my 13 favorites pies, plus some recipes:

1) Chocolate pie with a graham cracker crust.

2) Pumpkin pie with lots of cinnamon and whipped cream.

3) “I Can’t Have No Affair Because It’s Wrong and I Don’t Want Earl to Kill Me” Pie

Also known as: Vanilla Custard Meringue, Hold the Banana

INGREDIENTS

2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/3 cup brown sugar
� cup melted butter
2 large eggs
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups milk, scalded*
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 banana, sliced, OPTIONAL

For meringue:
3 egg whites
1/4 cup granulated sugar

1. In a medium bowl, mix graham cracker crumbs, brown sugar and melted butter until well blended. Press crumb mixture into a 9-inch pan. Preheat oven to 375�F.

2. In a large bowl, beat eggs slightly. Add sugar and salt. Slowly stir in hot, scalded milk. Add vanilla. Strain the mixture into pie crust. If desired, add chunks of banana. Sprinkle the top with cinnamon.

3. Bake in a lower shelf of preheated oven for 25 to 30 minutes, or until set.

4. In a large glass mixing bowl, beat egg whites until foamy. Gradually add ¼ cup white sugar, continuing to beat until stiff peaks form.

5. Spread meringue over pie after custard is set, return to oven until meringue is slightly brown. Cool at least 15 minutes before cutting. Makes 8 servings.

*To scald milk, heat over low heat until small bubbles form around the edge of the pan; the temperature should read 180�-190�.

Now, where was I…

4. Apple pie with caramel topping.

5. My Grandma’s Apple Pie.

6. And her Cherry Pie.

7. And her Huckleberry Pie.

8. And her Pecan Pie. Dang, I’m hungry now. Here is her pie crust recipe. I wish you luck, because I’ve never been able to get it just right like she does, even though I’ve watched her make it enough times:

“I make pie crust from scratch. You’d have to watch me do it to get it right. It’s probably two cups flour, dash of salt, and shortening or lard. I used to use lard all the time, but it’s got more fat in it than Crisco. I don’t like the yellow Crisco, I like the white. Use a fork, break it up into crumbs. Have you a glass of ice water — and I mean ICE water, water with ICE in it. Pour a tablespoon or so in at a time — don’t dump a bunch in. The secret with pie crust is be quick. Don’t mess around, be quick with it or you won’t have a tender pie crust.”

9. I love, love, love the Blueberry Sour Cream Pie at Mom’s Cafe in Salina, Utah.

10. I will also settle for Coconut Cream Pie.

11. Or Peach Pie.

12. A nice Custard Pie will do.

13. But never, ever, ever Cow Pie.

My most tardy Thursday Thirteen ever (I think, anyway)…

(With apologies to 13ers and Usual Suspects, who may have been waiting.)

Why You Should Never Blog When You’re Mad or Have the Mean Reds:

13. It’s like drunk-dialing. It’s just a bad idea.

12. Even if you delete it later, they’ll remember it.

11. My habit of using cuss words, even under the best of circumstances.

10. There may be children in the room.

9. Someone else’s children may be reading what you just wrote, in regards to their beloved parents. That is just so frickin’ uncool, to yammer on negatively about someone when it’s not absolutely necessary.

8. Blog unto others as you would have them blog unto you.

7. Temper, temper. Don’t let it flare. Venting does not always make it better. I know.

6. It stops you from getting important work done, when you’re “angry typing.” Mopping the kitchen floor, for instance, or revising the damn manuscript you have to get done by Jan. 1, 2008. (Self-imposed deadline; must follow.)

5. People usually have good intentions; we all just rub each other a little bit the wrong way sometimes.

4. Or a lot. I don’t mean to be morbid here, but you know what I’m going to be in fifty years? (Or less?) Dead. That’s right. So what’s the point of all the fussing?

3. My daughter’s teacher was reading the kids the last chapters of “Charlotte’s Web” yesterday and I thought, if we could all try to be half as decent as Charlotte and Wilbur, think of how much nicer the whole world would be. Then I got all choked up because, you know. I love that book. I love it so much. Enough, already, it’s fiction. But dammit, I think we can all learn a little something here.

“It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both.” — E.B. White

2. Being angry makes your heart hurt.

1. It’s just too dang close to Christmas and New Year’s to waste any time on nonsense.

Happy Holidays, y’all.

Love,

WM

Dear Thursday 13ers and All of You Usual Suspects,

I’m dedicating this week’s Thursday Thirteen to you (and you and you and you)… Why? Because you deserve it.

13) I love my readers for a lot of reasons. Number 13 would have to be — You’re pretty good about keeping your head on straight, even when I’m not.

12) You laugh at my bad jokes.

11) And my good jokes. Um. Make that “good joke”? I think I’ve maybe told one good joke here. At some point.

10) Whether I’m talking about General Hospital, school politics, sex, recipes, gardening, whatever, there’s always someone out there who can relate.

9) I’ve “met” all kinds of people I would have never met otherwise, all ages, all types, all parts of the world. It’s cool.

8) I like being able to help, if someone’s having a hard time, or needs a question answered, or just wants to kvetch.

7) My readers are rilly, rilly, rilly funny. It adds some lightness to my day, when people leave comments.

6) However, the trolls can stay quiet.

5) People are usually pretty supportive, even when I’m being an idiot.

4) Y’all go with the flow, which I appreciate.

3) You’re pretty.

2) You’re handsome.

1) Happy Holidays!!!!!

Love,

WM

Dearest Thursday Thirteeners and Usual Suspects,

In honor of the writers’ strike (dudes, good luck with negotiations), I’m listing out my 13 favorite shows this season (or should I say, my favorite shows I’ll be missing soon) (yes, I’m already jonesin’, but I just now finally finished up the last ever final season of “The Sopranos,” IT WAS SO GOOD, go get it on DVD if you haven’t caught it by now. Anyway. The Sopranos eased my couch potato pain). My other favorites are (drum roll, please!):

13) Friday Night Lights: I’m late to the game (ha! Sports joke, get it?) on this one, but this is a great show. I’m enjoying getting to know all the characters.

12) Las Vegas: Even with James Caan gone. Josh Duhamel is a long-time favorite of mine, and Hockey God loves Delinda Deline. Or Delinda Delicious Delightful Deline, as he calls her. So yummy, all the eye candy on this one. You can look at the menu, you just can’t order. And Sam! Vanessa Marcil from GH! I love her so. Which leads me to…

11) Eye Candy, Part II: General Hospital

10) Eye Candy, Part III: Grey’s Anatomy

9) Eye Candy, Part IV: Private Practice (I’m including this one just because of Taye Diggs and Taye Diggs alone. I’m not really that into the show. But Brothers and Sisters? I’ll watch that until they air the final episode.)

8) Dirty Sexy Money: The title says it all. Peter Krause plays it so straight against the high drama of the Darlings. Like Brothers and Sisters (which includes a character played by Rachel Griffiths, Peter Krause’s love on Six Feet Under), really good ensemble cast.

7) The Office. I never thought I’d get as addicted to this show as I have — I am a dweeb about it. I will watch the same episode eight times, it’s a little bizarre. My kids adore it (I’ve only let them watch a few kid-appropriate episodes, don’t worry). Wacky Girl spent the first 15 minutes of Evan Almighty yelling, “IT’S MICHAEL FROM THE OFFICE!” at the movie screen and almost got us kicked out of the theater. Honestly, I thought the Office was goofy as hell the whole first season. And yes, I tried watching the British version, first. Couldn’t get into it. I didn’t think it was funny at all! But now — I’m hooked. Only they’re gone. No Christmas episode!!!! No other episodes ’til after the strike! Yikes.

6) Boston Legal. Denny Crane. “Trixs are for kids,” “Cuckoo for cocoa puffs,” “Still cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” Still cuckoo for Denny. And whoever thought I’d grow to love James Spader? Will wonders never ever cease?

5) Any home improvement shows. (Blame it on my kids.)

4) Jacob Two-Two (Again. The kids.)

3) Martha Stewart, because she drinks waaaaaaaaaaaay more than I do, and she invented the killer Bloody Mary recipe of all time. (This one only calls for four ounces of vodka — I wrote down a cup on my copy. Was it her? Or me?)

2) Desperate Housewives, sorta. (I’ll give the girls a half-vote.) So, I’ll add Jeopardy! right here, because I am that good at Jeopardy! I kick serious butt at Jeopardy! I’m not kidding, Internets. I would whup ya at Jeopardy!

1) The Simpsons, always.

Thursday 13ers and all you Usual Suspects,

Come over here. Let’s talk. It’s always me, me, me around here. Yadda-yadda-blip. Here are…

Thirteen Things I Wanna Know About You

1) Who are you?

2) Where do you live?

3) Have you been sleeping well?

4) Do you still cuddle with a teddy bear? Did you ever?

5) If you could be a candy bar, which one would it be?

6) Do you miss me when I don’t post? Wait, I always post. Invalid question. (I’ve almost made it through November.) (Oh, that first post! It was so long ago.) Um. Do you get sick of hearing me talk?

7) Which blogs are your favorites?

8) What do you do for “real” work, or do you make so much money off your site that this is your “real” job?

9) What’s your secret? Tell me now. I’ll wait.

10) What’s your lucky number?

11) What’s your favorite side dish?

12) Favorite movie?

13) Last time you shaved?

14 — bonus question!) Will you please go buy a NAWACOTID or Wacky Mommy T-shirt from me? Thank you! (Shamless hussy.)

Please answer any or all of these questions in comments, or e me if you’re shy. Happiest Thursday to you.

Love,

WM