And that’s about all I have to say. This has not been the easiest autumn at Wacky House. But I did survive a field trip here. It turned out to be a blast. Get it — rocks? TNT? Ha.

I’m writing fiction today, so no big posts.

Let’s be careful out there.

I do have one question for the advice column. And no, this should not be substituted for “real” medical advice, this column. A disclaimer: I am no expert.

Dear Wacky Mommy:
I am taking sh*t for “extended” nursing. He’s fifteen months old. WTF? I have a hard time telling people that it’s none of their business. Also, his dad is already saying what a hard time I will have with weaning. Why is everybody so effing concerned with my tits and not my son’s health and well being?

Signed,
Help

Dear Help:
Your tits are no one’s business but yours and your son’s. Unless you’re trying to get pregnant again (breastfeeding does not always prevent pregnancy, we know this, ladies. But it does seem to have a correlation with decreased fertility), unless you’re taking drugs or drink that your child should not be ingesting, unless you’re using nursing as a way to avoid sex — oh, wait, I think I’m OK with that one — then nurse away.

I nursed my daughter ’til age 2, and only quit when I got pregnant. (And only then, it was because I was having some bleeding and the nursing seemed to make it worse. History of miscarriage and all.) I nursed my son until 18 months, and only quit then because he was too busy chasing after his sister to want to sit down and nurse.

That was when the hormones plummeted. I got a little bit of post-partum depression, but counseling, meds, vitamins and calcium helped. (Fuck you, Tom Cruise, BTW. You have no idea what it’s like to go through PPD.)

Weaning was not an issue at my house, because in both cases we were ready to quit at the same time.

Milk has been know to stick around, just in case you or your baby have a change of heart. Enough water and nursing gets it going again.

A lot of women nurse their kids until they’re 2, 3 or 4 — they’re just not talking about it because they’re made to feel ashamed and dirty. Your partner is a lactation consultant? What? I mean, he thinks he’s more of an expert on boobs than you are? He doesn’t even have any.

Don’t feel dirty — you’re not. You’re comforting your baby.

Get a T-shirt printed that says, “I make milk. What’s your superpower?” and tell people that your tits are not up for discussion.

Bon appetit to your little guy.

Love,
WM

Reviewed today:

The Fed Ex girl was the most popular visitor at our place this week. She arrived with a couple of boxes of books and games from Little, Brown and Company for review, just in time for the holidays. I’ll review three at a time, so no one gets overlooked. We’ll make it a family affair.

“Hug Time,” by Patrick McDonnell, stars Jules, the sweet little tiger kitty. (Click on the Little, Brown link above to hear Patrick McDonnell read from “Hug Time.”) We’re big fans of the Mutts comic strip over here (Grandma likes Mutts, too, especially Jules, aka “Shtinky Puddin'” and his little pink sock). In this artfully painted and written children’s book, Jules travels the world, collecting as many hugs as he can, from as many creatures as he can find along the way, including a wombat, a humu-humu fish, and a polar bear. We’d hug him, too, if he stopped by here.

On to Cranium… If you call yourself “The Ultimate Book of Fantastic Fun & Games,” then you’d better hurry up and live up to your title. This set does. It includes plastic frogs for flipping, an egg timer, a deck of Cranium cards, a dri-erase pen, a spinner, a pull-out game board, and purple modeling clay, so you can sculpt tiny brains or anything else you feel like sculpting.

It’s for ages six and up, but the five-year-old at our house was extremely taken with the set, especially once he figured out that the whole book is rewritable, so you can play the games over and over.

Steve and Wacky Boy, on Ed Emberley’s “Bye-Bye, Big Bad Bullybug!”:

WB: It’s very funny.

Steve: What happens? Can you say, without giving away the end?

WB: No.

Steve: Do you like the Big Bad Bullybug?

WB: No, I like the queen ants and the flying bugs.

Steve: They’re flying bugs, for sure.

WB: They’re queen ants, silly!

The pages are die-cut, with each page revealing a little something from the next page. It’s a clever device for the younger set, as the Big Bad Bullybug is gradually revealed, in all its comical horror.

And now, some big news — I have so many goodies to share that Melissa Lion (who, like me, is a North Portland blogger and writer) and I are going to throw a meet ‘n’ greet. We’ll do it sometime in January. We’re thinking… a coffee house in North Portland. Just for something a little different.

I’ll give away kid books for door prizes! Ms. Lion may bring copies of her young adult novels to sign and sell. I think she should, don’t you? I think once you’re a published author you should just carry a stack of your books with you everywhere. That’s what I’ll do, if and when I get a novel published. I’ll be all, “My name, see? On the cover. Woo!”

Additionally? Melissa managed to teach me what no one else has been able to: I now know how to purl.

Melissa’s books:

It’s been a long while since I’ve run an advice column, eh? Here’s a question:

Dear Wacky Mommy:

New Here

Dear New Here:

You could always go to a petting zoo.

Love,

WM

PS — If you have questions, send ’em in and I will try to get them answered. WM

Wacky Girl, re: Jesus: “Yeah, people really are all about him this time of year.”

* sleep in. can I ever get enough sleep on these gray, drizzly days in the fall, in Portland? apparently not. I think I slept 11 hours last night. It was like magic.

* husband takes kids to school and goes to work. House is quiet. I can write now. Since I’m wide-awake and all. Instead…

* go for acupuncture. talk with doc re: cupping technique. My lungs (after 2 rounds of antibiotics, steroids, herbal teas, meditation, cardio, yoga, hot showers, sleep, stress reduction, drinking enough water) still were not anywhere near clear. Wheezing, coughing, etc. After cupping? Clear. Not totally, completely clear, but as close to “clear” as they have been in some time.

* I curse mold; damp; mildewy leaves; my old house; various allergies; asthma diagnosis.

* talk with doc re: large circular bruises on my upper back cuz of cupping and my husband’s “freak-out episode” when he saw them. “What the hell? I mean, what the hell?” etc. (glass cups are heated with fire and stuck on your back. It sounds crazy but feels great.) (also the doc pounded on my back and massaged it, and threw a bunch of needles into me.)

* I love acupuncture. I do not love herbal concoctions they taste nasty, even if you combine them with raspberry tea.

* Writing? Writing. Leave doc’s, ignore coffee houses, come home.

* dishes, laundry, coffee, talk with painter re: our kitchen floor. It’s tragic, the floor. Ugly vinyl, banged up, doesn’t meet at edges, doesn’t look clean no matter how much it’s mopped. Do we replace the floor? Painter knows someone, gives me their number.

* I curse the kitchen floor.

* Wacky Cats 2 & 3 in a fight. I curse the cat (the kitten, he’s a thumper) and put him outside. He tears out the door and is now stalking birds.

* More coffee. Time for lunch. No time for lunch, will write.

* It’s noon. Write.

Go learn some new words and donate rice at the same time.

(Thanks, Wacky Cousin, who found this one.)

Dearest Thursday Thirteeners and Usual Suspects,

In honor of the writers’ strike (dudes, good luck with negotiations), I’m listing out my 13 favorite shows this season (or should I say, my favorite shows I’ll be missing soon) (yes, I’m already jonesin’, but I just now finally finished up the last ever final season of “The Sopranos,” IT WAS SO GOOD, go get it on DVD if you haven’t caught it by now. Anyway. The Sopranos eased my couch potato pain). My other favorites are (drum roll, please!):

13) Friday Night Lights: I’m late to the game (ha! Sports joke, get it?) on this one, but this is a great show. I’m enjoying getting to know all the characters.

12) Las Vegas: Even with James Caan gone. Josh Duhamel is a long-time favorite of mine, and Hockey God loves Delinda Deline. Or Delinda Delicious Delightful Deline, as he calls her. So yummy, all the eye candy on this one. You can look at the menu, you just can’t order. And Sam! Vanessa Marcil from GH! I love her so. Which leads me to…

11) Eye Candy, Part II: General Hospital

10) Eye Candy, Part III: Grey’s Anatomy

9) Eye Candy, Part IV: Private Practice (I’m including this one just because of Taye Diggs and Taye Diggs alone. I’m not really that into the show. But Brothers and Sisters? I’ll watch that until they air the final episode.)

8) Dirty Sexy Money: The title says it all. Peter Krause plays it so straight against the high drama of the Darlings. Like Brothers and Sisters (which includes a character played by Rachel Griffiths, Peter Krause’s love on Six Feet Under), really good ensemble cast.

7) The Office. I never thought I’d get as addicted to this show as I have — I am a dweeb about it. I will watch the same episode eight times, it’s a little bizarre. My kids adore it (I’ve only let them watch a few kid-appropriate episodes, don’t worry). Wacky Girl spent the first 15 minutes of Evan Almighty yelling, “IT’S MICHAEL FROM THE OFFICE!” at the movie screen and almost got us kicked out of the theater. Honestly, I thought the Office was goofy as hell the whole first season. And yes, I tried watching the British version, first. Couldn’t get into it. I didn’t think it was funny at all! But now — I’m hooked. Only they’re gone. No Christmas episode!!!! No other episodes ’til after the strike! Yikes.

6) Boston Legal. Denny Crane. “Trixs are for kids,” “Cuckoo for cocoa puffs,” “Still cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” Still cuckoo for Denny. And whoever thought I’d grow to love James Spader? Will wonders never ever cease?

5) Any home improvement shows. (Blame it on my kids.)

4) Jacob Two-Two (Again. The kids.)

3) Martha Stewart, because she drinks waaaaaaaaaaaay more than I do, and she invented the killer Bloody Mary recipe of all time. (This one only calls for four ounces of vodka — I wrote down a cup on my copy. Was it her? Or me?)

2) Desperate Housewives, sorta. (I’ll give the girls a half-vote.) So, I’ll add Jeopardy! right here, because I am that good at Jeopardy! I kick serious butt at Jeopardy! I’m not kidding, Internets. I would whup ya at Jeopardy!

1) The Simpsons, always.

It is Wednesday, y’all, and that means NO ARGUING WITH ASSCLOWNS ON THE INTERNET.

You heard it here first. If you’re in, send me an e-mail or leave a note in comments and I’ll add you. (Still working on NAWACOTID site. It will be up… at some point.)

Smooches,

WM

Do you think I should run for Mayor?

I do.

I’m eating handfuls of Hershey Kisses, as I am wont to do, and I stop to read the little labels, because I’ve suddenly noticed that they don’t say (as they should) Hershey Kiss. Instead, they say:

Oops

I miss you!

We should go out!

I hate Mondays

and…

I (Heart) Satan.

(Not really, on that last one, but that’s what I expected.)