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Thursday Thirteen Ed. #61

October 4th, 2006

Here’s what we’re doing today. Yay, walking! Yay, biking! Yay, not getting run over by cars, trucks and vans because there are so many of us.

More later…

WM

It’s later. Our walk was such a blast — Hockey God went with us, and a bunch of the neighbor kids, and there were treats and prizes for everyone once we got to school. About half the kids at school participated — coooooooooool!

I’m writing my Thursday Thirteen early because I have too much going on in the next couple of days! Just for you, I have my best excuses, followed by my best reasons, for walking the kids to school. (In honor of International Walk and Bike to School Day.)

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QOTD

October 3rd, 2006

“He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)

That’s what I’m saying!

Yucky Yicky Yugh Neighbor

October 2nd, 2006

I called the city on my neighbor last week. And the county. And then (because I was on a roll, obviously) Animal Control. If she keeps being so rotten to her aged mother, I’m calling Elder Control, too. (Wait, I don’t think that’s what it’s really called.) Yee-haw, virtual high-fives to me for finally getting up the nerve to do this AFTER SIX YEARS OF HER.

As those of you who regularly read this blog know, I have two neighbors: Angel (Wacky Nekkid Neighbor) and Devil (Evil Neighbor). I am sorry to be so simplistic, but there is just no way around it. I am in Purgatory. Apparently I was really rotten as a child and this is payback. (more…)

Friday Advice Column/My Husband is Too Sexy for This Blog

September 28th, 2006

We were at dinner. Two tables over I saw this cute family — both kids dressed in their school uniforms. Well, the parents weren’t that cute, they were kind of homely. But the kids were cute, because of the uniforms and all. I’m thinking, like I always think when I see those adorable jumpers and the sharply-creased slacks and the plain white shirts, “I love school uniforms. So practical! So not Hello Kitty and Crazy Doesn’t Even Begin to Cover It (with that stupid bunny that my daughter and all the other girls adore) and My Pretending to Listen to You Should Be Enough and Your Shirt Says ‘Princess’ But Your Face Says ‘Frog.‘” Etc.

(I have a fondness for school uniforms that is not shared by my friends who attended parochial school. Unless their kids are at parochial school, in which case they all say, “School uniforms are the best. You don’t have to hassle every day about what to wear, and it’s cheaper, and NO FIGHTS ABOUT SLUTTY CLOTHES.”)

So I’m daydreaming about uniforms, and cursing crop-tops, low-slung jeans and bitchy T-shirts and I notice that her kids have left her table. And her husband. She’s alone. She’s having a moment of “mommy me time.” And she’s… tongueing something?

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The Random Pooper, All Dressed Up For Halloween

September 25th, 2006

My sister decides she’s going to get a dog. I think, Good! Big dog! Big dogs good!

She says, No big dog, medium dog.

I think, Eh, medium dog OK. Maybe a 40- or 50-pounder?

She is pleased as punch with 16-pound squirrel killer, The Ratter, aka Random Pooper because, you know. These are the reasons Random Pooper has been 86ed from our house, from time to time: Random pooping, licking her own ass and then my kids’ faces, licking the cats’ asses (repeat), kicking the cats’ asses, OH! Litter boxes! MORE cat ass! Good grazing.

Me: Fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa fwaaa.

My sister: I’m sorry!

Me: Why? Did you poop on the floor?

Then the Random Pooper shows up at my door, dressed up as a dinosaur, and how can I refuse her? (Notice she stays on her leash, so she won’t commit any crimes while she’s here.)

Little dino dog sez, Come here I wanna lick ya!

“I won’t fuck with the cats. Or eat their poop. I promise.”

Little dino dog

“AIIIIIIIII AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I CAN’T SEE! HELP ME!”

Crazed little dino dog

“Are the cats here?”

Dino dog and buddy dog

My mom: “I tried to find one in Wacky Dog’s size — they didn’t have one!”

Me: “That was sweet, Mom.”

Wacky Dog: Thank you, Jesus.

New Wacky Mommy Gear

September 25th, 2006

Ready for holiday shopping yet?

Look over there — on the right. Cool stuff for sale, designed by Hockey God and approved by me. All proceeds from sales benefit our writing careers and my coffee habit. Hoodies, magnets, bibs, bags, stickers and T’s. Go for it.

Love,

WM

Sunday Book Review

September 24th, 2006

At the Book Fair yesterday at the North Portland Library, we received a FREE copy of one of the Addy, American Girl books. (Wacky Girl adores American Girl anything, especially now that Emily, Molly’s English friend! has arrived! Much excitement at Wacky House over this. I told her if she scams enough Christmas money, then maybe.)

MORE REVIEWS:

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When You’re Tired of Listening to Dad

September 23rd, 2006

Let’s say you have a dad who is, eh, for the most part pretty nice. Takes you to ice skating lessons, teaches you to ride a two-wheeler, makes you chocolate chip waffles for breakfast. But he has this habit of saying, “Drink your milk. The whole glass. Drink all of it. All of it. Now. Do not pour it down the sink. I said don’t pour it down the sink. I can’t believe you just poured that down the sink after I told you not to.”

A solution?

How about you stand up at the breakfast table, pretend to pour the entire glass of milk in your ear, then douse the front of your nightgown, the chair and the rug with it. Problem solved! Now you’ve just got to clean up the mess.

“What were you thinking?” HG asks.

“I. Don’t. Knoooooooooooow!!!” she trills, jitterbugging around the house.

I (heart) Wacky Girl and her sheer, unbridled enthusiasm for life.

Thursday Thirteen Ed. #59

September 20th, 2006

For my Thursday Thirteen I present:

THIRTEEN THINGS MY GRANDMA LIKES TO SAY (over and over and over…)

13. “Depressed my ass! She needs to clean her house!”

12. “Who do you think you are, Little Miss Astor Butt?”

11. “Get on down here to dinner or I’m throwing it out.”

10. “Elvis. That poor boy just had too much too fast.”

9. “Patsy. Ol’ Patsy had her a hard life.”

8. “How are you, sugar?”

7. “Bacon! I love bacon. It is my downfall. But I’ve had to cut back — I only eat it every other day now.”

6. “Randy Travis — your grandpa just loved Randy Travis.”

5. “I made you some of that Ambrosia that you like so much.”

4. “I made your husband some of those Ranger Cookies that he likes so much.”

3. “Now I grew up during the Depression. I do not throw things away, like plastic bags. Your aunt always throws away plastic bags. And shops at Nordstrom. She refuses to shop anywhere but Nordstrom.”

2. “I do not drink. Not even a sip. But I do put wine in my fruitcake.”

1. “Men are like streetcars — there’s another one along every fifteen minutes. Miss one, catch the next.”

LeslieGould.com

September 20th, 2006

I have this sweetie of a girlfriend in town, one Leslie Gould.

Quick! Go look how pretty she is. Sweet, no?

I met her through a friend, who was helping me land a freelance job. Leslie became my editor, then my friend, then my buddy. Usually I don’t use my friends’ real names on this blog, because of, y’know. This, and maybe this and a whole lot of this. I don’t want to identify the mommies cuz I don’t want to identify the kids. Sometimes we need our privacy, yes? (What happened to my Friday Advice Column, anyway? Any questions? Fire away. I had a batch and, uh, misfiled them in a sub-folder and now who knows where they are. Truth is out. I cannot file.)

No anonymity here though — Leslie must be outed, because you need to buy her books. Besides, what wouldn’t I do for her? She is that kind of girlfriend to me. She lives in the neighborhood where I grew up. The woman is a career Army wife. Brave? Yes. She has four gorgeous kids who play soccer and are brilliant artists and gifted, and kind, to top it all off. Her family is involved in their church, and their community, and oh, yeah. She writes. She writes and writes and writes.

In her spare time.

On October 10th her third novel, Scrap Everything, arrives in stores.

Perfect for the crafty types in your life, for your best friend, your family members, your child’s teacher, a neighbor — it’s a great book. It’s about two women, Elise and Rebekah, who strike up an unlikely friendship and bond over scrapbooking, their families and their faith. Her two previous novels, Beyond the Blue and Garden of Dreams are equally incredible. Beyond the Blue is about international adoption and its impact on two families; Garden of Dreams is about two women friends, in love with their husbands and their kids; the community they live in and sometimes struggle with; and a secret.

If you love to read about friendship, faith and dreams, you will love these books.

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