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Helpful!

On a completely unrelated note, are you wondering what my Top 10 Search Keywords are? Here you go:

mommy
wacky
sex
the
rockstar
cake
girl
to
a
chocolate

Looking for “to”? You’ve come to the right place.

wm

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Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on”
God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?”
God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”
God says, “Out on Highway 61.”

Highway 61 Revisited
Bob Dylan

That isn’t my God, that God, by the by. My God is a friendlier, more compassionate, Higher Spirit kind of being. I haven’t written much about My Life as a Sunday School Teacher, have I now? You interested? (My sister: “No.” Hangs up phone.) How about school politics? (Picks up the phone, then slams it down.) I like teaching, and I especially liked it this past Sunday when one of my students, who showed up for the first lesson and hasn’t been spotted since (is it something I said?) showed up, smiley, knowing that I would remember him.

(I did.)

We talked about Sophia Fahs. Next week I’m teaching the lesson — it’s about Beatrix Potter. Both Unitarian girls. For snack, we always always always serve tangerines. Always.

And now, from the Q&A bag…

Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others
Dear everyone, I am not a trained professional; please seek help from a medical professional if and when you need it. Be well!

Dear Wacky Mommy:

Please help with any ideas you moms might have. My 6 yr. old daughter is the worlds pickiest eater, she only eats bagels, doritos, pizza, vanilla yogurt, pepperidge farm fishies, steak, and just recently discovered Bologna.

Signed,
HELP!!!!

Dear HELP!!!!:
Give the kid some steak. Steak is good food! Unless you’re eating with my three vegetarians, in which case you’d hear, Ew, that’s from a COW? You killed a cow? Did you know you’re eating… Etc. So tiresome. Bologna? Not such a healthy choice, but an okay snack. Doritos? Do not keep Doritos in the house, thus they cease to become an option.

(I’m trying this strategy on fruit leather, cereal bars, candy and cookies, wish me luck.) Vanilla yogurt and pizza are two of our four food groups around here. I would try buying healthy stuff, as healthy as possible, and remembering this: It’s your job to fix the food; it’s her job to eat it.

Don’t worry, she won’t starve to death.

The eating issues drive me nuts, too. You’re not alone.

Love,
WM

Next?

Dear Wacky:
I have a cubicle neighbor who eats lunch at his desk and smacks his lips. It just totally grosses me out. The smell of his cheap microwave food is bad enough, but to hear the smack smack smack that goes with it is just too much. It’s not loud, or anything, and I imagine he’s completely unaware anybody can hear him.

To make matters worse, he always eats early, around 11:30, so I’m almost always at my desk. I’ve taken to putting on headphones and listening to music while he eats, but I don’t like having to do this.

Should I confront him about this? If so, what should I say? Or should I just ignore it and do the headphone thing?

Sincerely,
Grossed-Out by Lip Smackers

Dear Grossed-Out:
It’s always about the food around here, isn’t it? Honestly, I cannot think of a tactful way to tell someone “Stop smacking.” Unless you yell, “Stop smacking!” over the wall, but I would die of embarrassment if someone did that to me, wouldn’t you?

Wear headphones, or take an earlier lunch. Maybe take a break during his mealtime? Is he a fast eater, or a lingerer? Work: All of the same dilemmas and quandaries as home, but you have to obey some invisible code of respect. Even though “We’re family! We’re a work family!” Well, no. Not really. At home we just yell, “Stop smacking!” and call it a day.

Good luck.

Warmly,
WM

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And that’s about all I have to say. This has not been the easiest autumn at Wacky House. But I did survive a field trip here. It turned out to be a blast. Get it — rocks? TNT? Ha.

I’m writing fiction today, so no big posts.

Let’s be careful out there.

I do have one question for the advice column. And no, this should not be substituted for “real” medical advice, this column. A disclaimer: I am no expert.

Dear Wacky Mommy:
I am taking sh*t for “extended” nursing. He’s fifteen months old. WTF? I have a hard time telling people that it’s none of their business. Also, his dad is already saying what a hard time I will have with weaning. Why is everybody so effing concerned with my tits and not my son’s health and well being?

Signed,
Help

Dear Help:
Your tits are no one’s business but yours and your son’s. Unless you’re trying to get pregnant again (breastfeeding does not always prevent pregnancy, we know this, ladies. But it does seem to have a correlation with decreased fertility), unless you’re taking drugs or drink that your child should not be ingesting, unless you’re using nursing as a way to avoid sex — oh, wait, I think I’m OK with that one — then nurse away.

I nursed my daughter ’til age 2, and only quit when I got pregnant. (And only then, it was because I was having some bleeding and the nursing seemed to make it worse. History of miscarriage and all.) I nursed my son until 18 months, and only quit then because he was too busy chasing after his sister to want to sit down and nurse.

That was when the hormones plummeted. I got a little bit of post-partum depression, but counseling, meds, vitamins and calcium helped. (Fuck you, Tom Cruise, BTW. You have no idea what it’s like to go through PPD.)

Weaning was not an issue at my house. I told my daughter, “2-year-olds don’t nurse!” (smiling, and matter-of-fact) and she said, sure, OK, Ma. (You could substitute 3- or 4- in that sentence.) She changed her mind and wanted to nurse again — a couple of weeks later, I think? Milk was still there, waiting, but then she changed her mind again and was happy with the sippy cups.

Milk has been know to stick around, just in case you or your baby have a change of heart. Enough water and nursing gets it going again.

A lot of women nurse their kids until they’re 2, 3 or 4 — they’re just not talking about it because they’re made to feel ashamed and dirty. Your partner is a lactation consultant? What? I mean, he thinks he’s more of an expert on boobs than you are? He doesn’t even have any.

Don’t feel dirty — you’re not. You’re comforting your baby.

Get a T-shirt printed that says, “I make milk. What’s your superpower?” and tell people that your tits are not up for discussion.

Bon appetit to your little guy.

Love,
WM

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It’s been a long while since I’ve run an advice column, eh? Here’s a question:

Dear Wacky Mommy:

New Here

Dear New Here:

You could always go to a petting zoo.

Love,

WM

PS — If you have questions, send ‘em in and I will try to get them answered. WM

Wacky Girl, re: Jesus: “Yeah, people really are all about him this time of year.”

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I cannot remember where I found this, but I didn’t write it. It does come in handy, from time to time.

WM

Worry Reduction Techniques

1. When I find myself worrying, I will divert my attention from the future (or past) to the present.

2. The worst is very unlikely to occur, even if it does, I will handle it.

3. I will try to take one thing and one day at a time.

4. Relaxation will reduce both worrying and anxiety.

5. I will do planning but reduce my worrying.

6. Worry is irrelevant.

7. I am not in charge of anyone else’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

8. People and situations do not upset me, I do.

9. I will recognize and let go of those things that I cannot change.

10. I will stop worrying now.

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I posted this comment on Planet Nomad’s blog (interesting discussion going about favoritism) and wanted to leave it here, too.

Oh. My. Gosh! Hockey God just made coffee, and the kids have the day off school so I’m in my pajamas still, not rushing out the door. Glory halleluJAH!

happy friday, everyone!

The best parenting advice given to me and my husband was in the middle of an ultrasound, when the tech told us, in a speedy fashion, that her son was three, and “Here’s everything I know about parenting so far. After the baby gets here, your dog will be just a dog; it’s not the terrible two’s it’s the terrible three’s; and give specific choices: the blue cup or the green one? The yellow shirt or the blue? OK, that’s it, thanks you guys!” I was laughing so hard.

So… what’s the best (or worst) parenting advice you’ve ever gotten?

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Thursday 13ers and Usual Suspects, we have company today. The Oregonian is here. Sure, they won’t leave comments or anything, but they’re here.

Hi, guys. (more…)

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Oh, Friday Advice Column, how I miss you! But I have been busy. And Swiffering.

How about a Tuesday Advice Column instead?

Love,

WM

Dear Wacky Mommy:

Do your children pick up after themselves? Do they put their own clothes away? If so, how do you get them to do this?

Signed,

A Little Messed-Up

Dear Messed-Up: (more…)

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A few links, and a recipe, because I think you need ‘em. Also a tiny bit of advice.

Love,

WM

For the kiddies:
Eloise — “I am a city child/I live at the Plaza.”
The World’s Youngest Blogger
Nancy Drew

From my kids’ wish lists:

Wacky Girl: 1) big house 2) big screen TV 3) lifetime supply of candy

Wacky Boy: 1) big house with a swamp in his room 2) a pen with 200 gallons of ink so it wouldn’t run out of ink

For breakfast this weekend:
from J’s thoughts and musings:

Company French Toast

1 ½ Sticks Butter
6 Eggs
1 ½ tsp. Cinnamon
2 cups Milk
1 ½ cup Brown Sugar
Syrup
*White Bread (Pepperidge Farm Toasting)

Melt butter in bottom of 9×13 casserole dish.
Add brown sugar and cinnamon: Mix and spread on bottom
Cut Crust off bread (personal choice here….) and layer bread 2 slices deep.

In separate bowl:
Beat together eggs and milk
Pour mixture over bread in casserole dish
Cover and refrigerate overnight

Bake uncovered 30-40 minutes in 350º
Drizzle maple syrup and broil until brown and bubbly.
Broil for 5 minutes or less.

*Note: The Canadian White bread is just as good as the Pepperidge Farm bread.

for you foodies:
The Smitten Kitchen
Ms. Dorie
Epicurious
and one just for the kids

Throw caution to the wind! Go bake a cake or make a vegetable dip or something. Cheese straws, perhaps.

For you gardeners… Were you aware that Miracle-Gro is now making an Organic Choice formula? Will wonders never cease?
Gardening With Lil Children
Rough Terrain
The Edible Schoolyard

(And for those of you needing to de-stress…)
Just Bubbles
Sex Tips for the Rest of Us (wherein women’s breasts do not bob up at top of website, thank you!)
…and last, but certainly not least, we have “Lock the Bedroom Door.” All I can say is — whoa.

Dear Wacky Mommy,

Losing Hope

Dear Hope,

Yes. Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing date, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well, it’s you girl and you should know it! With each glance and every little movement you show it… Love is all around, no need to waste it…

No, jeez, of course you can’t have it all, and thank God for small favors because what would you do with it all once you got it? But you can have 1) Grey’s Anatomy re-runs 2) Bosom Buddies on DVD 3) some flowers to watch grow 4) that next breath you inhale. And that, for tonight, is enough.

Love,

WM

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