“How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward.”
– Spanish proverb

My little tiny son started kindergarten today. I am crying.

wm

I’ve watched General Hospital since I was 12 years old. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to have a favorite soap? I’m a housewife, what am I supposed to do — wax the floors? I’m sure you have a bad habit or two yourself, do not judge me. I tivo it, so I can skip the commercials and the boring parts. Lately? Nothing is boring. It’s been good.

My daughter, today, assessing what it is I do all day: “You don’t do anything. You write on the computer. You talk on the phone. Yeah, and you watch your soap. Once in awhile you cook. That’s it!”

me, thinking it over: “I sometimes take you to school.” (more…)

You’ll find a post from me that will make you itch if you click here.

My better half, in Willamette Week (our town’s weekly) here. Foghat? Take a look if you haven’t already.

PPS loses $1.1 million (or more)? I misplace my keys occasionally, and my mind, but that much money? No, I keep an eye on money.

I sometimes wonder why we’re all here. Well, I wonder why you’re here, at any rate. I know why I’m here. I’ve been here since 4:45 a.m. But what brought you here? My insight? Political intrigue? My finely-tuned wit? Apparently it’s all that… and my recipe for refrigerator pickles. And then there’s the Volcano Cake. (Always in the top five.)

Fine then, fine! I can handle it! You’re in it for the recipes. Thirteeners and Usual Suspects, here are 13 recent searches that brought people to Wacky Mommy, Inc.

1) refrigerator pickles (you will be happy with this recipe)

2) wacky mommy (here I yam)

3) chocolate volcano cake (you will be happy with this recipe, too)

4) breastfeeding movie scene (I got nothin’)

5) fuck my neighbor (to this I say, “No, fuck my neighbor. Please, fuck both my neighbors.”)

6) you just never know whats going to happen in vail (that’s what I’m saying! Who would have thought Vail would be so unpredictable?)

7) husbandry book review (was the author searching for this? If he finds it, he won’t like it.)

8) crack smokin kitty pettin (Wacky Mommy is all for it)

9) mommy sex (I’m all for that, too)

10) yo gabba gabba shirts (Rock Star Mommy, can you help?)

11) germaine greer princess diana (Germaine Greer can kiss my ass.)

12) pineapple upside down cake with cake mix (yes! You can thank my granny)

13) dirty sluts (sure)

Other searches: my nekkid wife; the tillamook fairies (???); crabs public lice french (forget those private lice — we’re all about public domain over here); oh ya mommy (finally, someone who isn’t telling me “no,” just say “yeah…”); my sexy neighbor (no, my sexy neighbor); girls with see through shirts in the rain (guilty as charged); witchi-tai-to (yay, Jim Pepper!); sexy mommy (thank you); lactation nazi (not here); drunk mommy (sure)…

and…

Wait! We have more! offit vaccinated review (somehow, I think they’re not going to be excited about this review, either); p diddys macaroni and cheese recipe (heh heh heh); neighbors naked (it never fails. Get creative ya’ll, would you?).

See you next time!

WM

“Two of this baby equals one of yours!” — nurse in the hospital, holding up a five-pounder next to my daughter’s bassinet

Ten pounds two ounces of baby love! That was you, Wacky Girl. Happy birthday, sweetie — you’ll always be my big girl.

love,

Mama

I have a new post up at Grasshopper… Stop by and please say hidee-ho if you do. I wrote it when I had an extremely high fever. You should enjoy it.

You know who else writes for Grasshopper? Busy Mom. Slouching Mom. Chantal. And a whole buncha other nice people. So now you have even more to read!

Did you want me to do a Q&A with myself again? I know you love those. OK, I will!

Q: When do you start teaching Sunday school?
A: Next week!

Q: Are you prepared?
A: Ha! Ha! That’s precious… “prepared”… that’s cute.

Q: When do the kids go back to school?
A: To paraphrase Snuffleupagus: “Not soon enough, Bird.”

Q: Are you feeling better?
A: No. Lymph nodes: swollen. Fever: up. Wine: I’m drinking it, West Nile be damned.

Q: What time is it there?
A: Um. Hammertime? It’s 9 o’clock on the nose. The children are in bed — Wacky Girl’s slumber party was last night and they were crazeee, those children. They all went home with their own parents, thank you JESUS and now my two are exhausted.

Q: What did Wacky Girl get for her birthday?
A: So far? More Littlest Petshop, amazingly enough! Since that’s what she asked for! And my mother spoils her rotten!

me: “Mom, you used to know how to say ‘no.’ I remember that clearly. ‘No, you cannot have more money.’ ‘No, I will not buy you beer.'”
Mom: “But I don’t need to say no to them! Do they need some beer?”

Also, Babysitters’ Club books (I requested those. How much do I love that they’re not in plastic wrap with those teeny-tiny clear rubberbands? Why must they be clear and impossible to see? Fucking Hasbro YOU SUCK). My sister bought them, God love her.

my sister: “Jesus, Mom told us no all the time. What happened to her?”
my mom: “Kids, you want more cake? And ice cream? There’s lots more, here.”

Jeebus loves you, Wacky Sister!

Over and out. Motrin and wine: A winning combination! (My liver: owwwwie…)

(Edited Sunday a.m. to say: We watched “This Film is Not Yet Rated” last night and it was great. Go rent it or buy a copy.)

New products/old products/all kinds of products:

* Gillette Fusion: This razor bills itself as “the comfort of 5 plus the precision of 1.” I do not know exactly what that means. Hockey God sez: “The beard trimmer doesn’t work that well, but the razor is alright.” A winning endorsement.

* No matter what other lotions I try, I always go back to my old love, Kiss My Face “obsessively natural” A&E Ultra Moisturizer. It is thick, it works well, it smells good and it makes my skin silky and delightful. Plus it doesn’t make me itch.

* I will make an exception for the Mystery Product, the no-name tubes of stuff they gave us at the condos we stayed at in Vail. (And not little measly containers, either — they gave us full-size containers.) (Well, close to full-size.) No, there is no manufacturer’s name on the label. No, the front desk didn’t know where it came from. Everything, the sunscreen, shampoo, conditioner and lotion, all contain basically the same ingredients: cucumber extract, sea kelp, green tea, lavender extract, wheat germ oil, wheat protein, vitamins A, B & E. I brought home five tubes of each product and when it is all gone it will be a sad day at Wacky House. A sad, sad, cucumber extract-free day.

* Speaking of sunscreens, all summer we’ve been using Alba Botanica Sun Kids’ Sunscreen SPF 30 on the little blonde kids’ bodies and Water Babies UVA/UVB Protection Sunblock Stick 30 SPF on their faces. We’ve also used a pump sunscreen, Kiss My Face Sunblock SPF 30 Spray. It works just great, and is not aerosol.

kisses,

WM