I’ve watched General Hospital since I was 12 years old. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to have a favorite soap? I’m a housewife, what am I supposed to do — wax the floors? I’m sure you have a bad habit or two yourself, do not judge me. I tivo it, so I can skip the commercials and the boring parts. Lately? Nothing is boring. It’s been good.

My daughter, today, assessing what it is I do all day: “You don’t do anything. You write on the computer. You talk on the phone. Yeah, and you watch your soap. Once in awhile you cook. That’s it!”

me, thinking it over: “I sometimes take you to school.” (more…)

You’ll find a post from me that will make you itch if you click here.

My better half, in Willamette Week (our town’s weekly) here. Foghat? Take a look if you haven’t already.

PPS loses $1.1 million (or more)? I misplace my keys occasionally, and my mind, but that much money? No, I keep an eye on money.

I sometimes wonder why we’re all here. Well, I wonder why you’re here, at any rate. I know why I’m here. I’ve been here since 4:45 a.m. But what brought you here? My insight? Political intrigue? My finely-tuned wit? Apparently it’s all that… and my recipe for refrigerator pickles. And then there’s the Volcano Cake. (Always in the top five.)

Fine then, fine! I can handle it! You’re in it for the recipes. Thirteeners and Usual Suspects, here are 13 recent searches that brought people to Wacky Mommy, Inc.

1) refrigerator pickles (you will be happy with this recipe)

2) wacky mommy (here I yam)

3) chocolate volcano cake (you will be happy with this recipe, too)

4) breastfeeding movie scene (I got nothin’)

5) fuck my neighbor (to this I say, “No, fuck my neighbor. Please, fuck both my neighbors.”)

6) you just never know whats going to happen in vail (that’s what I’m saying! Who would have thought Vail would be so unpredictable?)

7) husbandry book review (was the author searching for this? If he finds it, he won’t like it.)

8) crack smokin kitty pettin (Wacky Mommy is all for it)

9) mommy sex (I’m all for that, too)

10) yo gabba gabba shirts (Rock Star Mommy, can you help?)

11) germaine greer princess diana (Germaine Greer can kiss my ass.)

12) pineapple upside down cake with cake mix (yes! You can thank my granny)

13) dirty sluts (sure)

Other searches: my nekkid wife; the tillamook fairies (???); crabs public lice french (forget those private lice — we’re all about public domain over here); oh ya mommy (finally, someone who isn’t telling me “no,” just say “yeah…”); my sexy neighbor (no, my sexy neighbor); girls with see through shirts in the rain (guilty as charged); witchi-tai-to (yay, Jim Pepper!); sexy mommy (thank you); lactation nazi (not here); drunk mommy (sure)…

and…

Wait! We have more! offit vaccinated review (somehow, I think they’re not going to be excited about this review, either); p diddys macaroni and cheese recipe (heh heh heh); neighbors naked (it never fails. Get creative ya’ll, would you?).

See you next time!

WM

“Two of this baby equals one of yours!” — nurse in the hospital, holding up a five-pounder next to my daughter’s bassinet

Ten pounds two ounces of baby love! That was you, Wacky Girl. Happy birthday, sweetie — you’ll always be my big girl.

love,

Mama

I have a new post up at Grasshopper… Stop by and please say hidee-ho if you do. I wrote it when I had an extremely high fever. You should enjoy it.

You know who else writes for Grasshopper? Busy Mom. Slouching Mom. Chantal. And a whole buncha other nice people. So now you have even more to read!

Did you want me to do a Q&A with myself again? I know you love those. OK, I will!

Q: When do you start teaching Sunday school?
A: Next week!

Q: Are you prepared?
A: Ha! Ha! That’s precious… “prepared”… that’s cute.

Q: When do the kids go back to school?
A: To paraphrase Snuffleupagus: “Not soon enough, Bird.”

Q: Are you feeling better?
A: No. Lymph nodes: swollen. Fever: up. Wine: I’m drinking it, West Nile be damned.

Q: What time is it there?
A: Um. Hammertime? It’s 9 o’clock on the nose. The children are in bed — Wacky Girl’s slumber party was last night and they were crazeee, those children. They all went home with their own parents, thank you JESUS and now my two are exhausted.

Q: What did Wacky Girl get for her birthday?
A: So far? More Littlest Petshop, amazingly enough! Since that’s what she asked for! And my mother spoils her rotten!

me: “Mom, you used to know how to say ‘no.’ I remember that clearly. ‘No, you cannot have more money.’ ‘No, I will not buy you beer.'”
Mom: “But I don’t need to say no to them! Do they need some beer?”

Also, Babysitters’ Club books (I requested those. How much do I love that they’re not in plastic wrap with those teeny-tiny clear rubberbands? Why must they be clear and impossible to see? Fucking Hasbro YOU SUCK). My sister bought them, God love her.

my sister: “Jesus, Mom told us no all the time. What happened to her?”
my mom: “Kids, you want more cake? And ice cream? There’s lots more, here.”

Jeebus loves you, Wacky Sister!

Over and out. Motrin and wine: A winning combination! (My liver: owwwwie…)

(Edited Sunday a.m. to say: We watched “This Film is Not Yet Rated” last night and it was great. Go rent it or buy a copy.)

New products/old products/all kinds of products:

* Gillette Fusion: This razor bills itself as “the comfort of 5 plus the precision of 1.” I do not know exactly what that means. Hockey God sez: “The beard trimmer doesn’t work that well, but the razor is alright.” A winning endorsement.

* No matter what other lotions I try, I always go back to my old love, Kiss My Face “obsessively natural” A&E Ultra Moisturizer. It is thick, it works well, it smells good and it makes my skin silky and delightful. Plus it doesn’t make me itch.

* I will make an exception for the Mystery Product, the no-name tubes of stuff they gave us at the condos we stayed at in Vail. (And not little measly containers, either — they gave us full-size containers.) (Well, close to full-size.) No, there is no manufacturer’s name on the label. No, the front desk didn’t know where it came from. Everything, the sunscreen, shampoo, conditioner and lotion, all contain basically the same ingredients: cucumber extract, sea kelp, green tea, lavender extract, wheat germ oil, wheat protein, vitamins A, B & E. I brought home five tubes of each product and when it is all gone it will be a sad day at Wacky House. A sad, sad, cucumber extract-free day.

* Speaking of sunscreens, all summer we’ve been using Alba Botanica Sun Kids’ Sunscreen SPF 30 on the little blonde kids’ bodies and Water Babies UVA/UVB Protection Sunblock Stick 30 SPF on their faces. We’ve also used a pump sunscreen, Kiss My Face Sunblock SPF 30 Spray. It works just great, and is not aerosol.

kisses,

WM

Sorry, if previous post offended any Satan worshippers who don’t want to be associated with church. Alternately, if it offended any church-goers who didn’t want to read about sex toys and “Weeds.” Alternately, any government officials who don’t want their right to kill grandparents, domestically or internationally, taken away from them.

I can only blame that post on the fever I’ve been running for over two days now. What is the deal, fever? No stomach bug, no cough or anything. Just this fever that keeps going back and forth between 101 and 103.

Edited on Friday a.m. to say — fever wavering between normal and 100. Better than 103, anyway. Happy Labor Day, everyone! We’ll be celebrating Wacky Girl’s 8th birthday and our 9th anniversary.

to my husband, I say: happy anniversary, my love. Te amo.

xx wm

Thursday 13ers and Usual Suspects,

Are you thinking to yourself, “You know what WM needs to do? The girl needs to become a Sunday School teacher!”??? Were you really? Because I was, too. Spooky!

13 reasons i became a sunday school teacher
by Wacky Mommy

1) I couldn’t find a “real” job

2) If you saw how disorganized I truly am (well, maybe you have a clue, given how random this blog is), you’d realize I really need to throw some stability into my paperwork and life. Lesson plans! A set schedule! A need to wear grown-up clothes!

3) My husband thinks it’s sexy. Meow.

4) I pawned off my children on my unsuspecting mother today, so I was free. FREE! Freeeeeeeeeeee… Mom, thank you, you rock, Mom. I bought myself some take-out for lunch, then I watched a little of “One Life to Live” and a little of “General Hospital.” (Both dull, I am sorry to report. Can we sex it up a little, soaps? Because, damn.)

I was looking through the Good Vibrations sex toys catalog, after I watched “Weeds” on DVD, after I got bored with the soaps. Then I had an iced coffee.

When your children are away for the day, it is good to multi-task.

Then I went to Teacher Training tonight at church! People, it is the little quirks and turns in life that make it beautiful.

5) Also, the church staff asked (read: begged) for volunteers, cuz we were way short on teachers. They needed me!

6) Teaching is stressful, it turns out, and you know what a little stress biscuit I am. High on Stress! (I used to have a T-shirt that said that.)

7) Who needs sex on Sunday mornings when you can go teach 20 little wildcats all about music, love, Zen principles and Earth Day?!?

8) That’s right. I go to a hippie church. An all-inclusive, extremely accepting, gay-friendly, “fudge-packin’, crack-smokin’, Satan-worshippin’ motherfucker” church. (That’s from Nirvana, remember them? Their “good boy” T-shirt said “flower sniffin’, kitty pettin’, baby kissin’ corporate rock whores.”)

Because where else would I fit in? When you see the church-folk marching at the peace rallies here, right behind the No War Drum Corps, that is my church. I love my church. And I would like to say thank you to the drum corps, if they’re reading, for fricking rippin’ it up all the time. (They start off with the drums, we start marching, my daughter asks, “Mommy, why are all those police there?” and points to the 200 cops on bikes. I say, “To escort us!” and off we go.)

9) I like kids. I think they deserve love, peace and no wars. I think that little kids, Iraqi kids especially, deserve for their grandparents to not be killed by the U.S. government. I think the U.S. government should get behind this sentiment. “War Kills Grandmas” was a slogan Wacky Girl came up with, all on her own. I was very proud, the day she dreamed that one up.

I know I gripe about kids all the time, and puzzle over their crazy antics, but at the heart of it? I like kids. I want them to be happy, and know we care about them.

10) We do fun stuff at church, too, not just political and educational stuff. We make art. Read. Have potlucks and picnics. Give each other flowers. Do the baby tree dance around the courtyard.

11) I like the other teachers, they’re kooky.

12) One word: snacks and juice.

13) God loves me.

“To the fury of hard-core Diana fans, London-based Australian feminist and academic Germaine Greer has been leading the charge against the glorification of Diana. On Sunday, the acid-tongued Greer described Diana as “the slowest of the four Spencer children”, a child given to “preposterous fibs”, “sly malevolence”, “devious” and intent on building a false image of herself for an adoring world. To the dismay of Diana-lovers, Greer backed up most of her accusations with facts culled from the Princess’s life, illustrating the cunning stupidity she claimed to be Diana’s defining characteristic.”

— The Times of India, 8/29/07

Well. I think that’s what serves all women best, don’t you? When we gang up on each other, back-bite, and call names. (more…)