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Sunday Night Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others

April 19th, 2009

Hmm. It’s been awhile, let’s see how rusty I am…

Q: How much $$$ do you make from your blog? Can I make some money if I start a blog, too?

A:  I review books, so I do get free copies of those (yes!!!). As for cash infusions? About $5 a month from my ads. Subtract the cost of the servers (we host our own sites, and a few others), DSL, the domain registrations, the Swiffer dustcloths for my desk and keyboard… Yep. The lifestyles of the rich and infamous, that’s us. Don’t quit your day job.

Q: Why are you so political, with the school politics and all?

A: Because I am an idiot. Next question?

Q:  How do I get my kid to read? He is not much of a reader.

A: How old is he? Read to him, if he’s young enough. Have him read to you. Go to the library once or twice a week. Learn how to put books, DVDs and CDs on reserve on your library card. Does he like graphic novels? I’ve had good luck with those, with the non-readers. They’re not “cheating,” they count! I promise. Try “American Born Chinese,” “Baby Mouse,”  any of the others. Superman should be renamed “super popular.” Go figure. And Kill Your Television, after that. (Isn’t it TV turn-off week this week? Lemme check…  Yep. SHOOT. I am tivo’ing Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters while I write this. Shoot.)

Q: How often do you and Hockey God have sex?

A: Why not ask Yahoo? Next question, please…

Q: Why don’t you blog more?

A: Because I’m so busy having sex.

Happy Sunday to you!

ttfn,

wm

here’s the answer

October 24th, 2008

See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die

Stuff White People Like

March 7th, 2008

Helpful!

On a completely unrelated note, are you wondering what my Top 10 Search Keywords are? Here you go:

mommy
wacky
sex
the
rockstar
cake
girl
to
a
chocolate

Looking for “to”? You’ve come to the right place.

wm

a post regarding church and religion, and the Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others: My Kid Won’t Eat/My Co-Worker Won’t Stop Eating!!!

January 8th, 2008

Oh God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
Abe says, “Man, you must be puttin’ me on”
God say, “No.” Abe say, “What?”
God say, “You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
Well Abe says, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”
God says, “Out on Highway 61.”

Highway 61 Revisited
Bob Dylan

That isn’t my God, that God, by the by. My God is a friendlier, more compassionate, Higher Spirit kind of being. I haven’t written much about My Life as a Sunday School Teacher, have I now? You interested? (My sister: “No.” Hangs up phone.) How about school politics? (Picks up the phone, then slams it down.) I like teaching, and I especially liked it this past Sunday when one of my students, who showed up for the first lesson and hasn’t been spotted since (is it something I said?) showed up, smiley, knowing that I would remember him.

(I did.)

We talked about Sophia Fahs. Next week I’m teaching the lesson — it’s about Beatrix Potter. Both Unitarian girls. For snack, we always always always serve tangerines. Always.

And now, from the Q&A bag…

Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others
Dear everyone, I am not a trained professional; please seek help from a medical professional if and when you need it. Be well!

Dear Wacky Mommy:

Please help with any ideas you moms might have. My 6 yr. old daughter is the worlds pickiest eater, she only eats bagels, doritos, pizza, vanilla yogurt, pepperidge farm fishies, steak, and just recently discovered Bologna.

Signed,
HELP!!!!

Dear HELP!!!!:
Give the kid some steak. Steak is good food! Unless you’re eating with my three vegetarians, in which case you’d hear, Ew, that’s from a COW? You killed a cow? Did you know you’re eating… Etc. So tiresome. Bologna? Not such a healthy choice, but an okay snack. Doritos? Do not keep Doritos in the house, thus they cease to become an option.

(I’m trying this strategy on fruit leather, cereal bars, candy and cookies, wish me luck.) Vanilla yogurt and pizza are two of our four food groups around here. I would try buying healthy stuff, as healthy as possible, and remembering this: It’s your job to fix the food; it’s her job to eat it.

Don’t worry, she won’t starve to death.

The eating issues drive me nuts, too. You’re not alone.

Love,
WM

Next?

Dear Wacky:
I have a cubicle neighbor who eats lunch at his desk and smacks his lips. It just totally grosses me out. The smell of his cheap microwave food is bad enough, but to hear the smack smack smack that goes with it is just too much. It’s not loud, or anything, and I imagine he’s completely unaware anybody can hear him.

To make matters worse, he always eats early, around 11:30, so I’m almost always at my desk. I’ve taken to putting on headphones and listening to music while he eats, but I don’t like having to do this.

Should I confront him about this? If so, what should I say? Or should I just ignore it and do the headphone thing?

Sincerely,
Grossed-Out by Lip Smackers

Dear Grossed-Out:
It’s always about the food around here, isn’t it? Honestly, I cannot think of a tactful way to tell someone “Stop smacking.” Unless you yell, “Stop smacking!” over the wall, but I would die of embarrassment if someone did that to me, wouldn’t you?

Wear headphones, or take an earlier lunch. Maybe take a break during his mealtime? Is he a fast eater, or a lingerer? Work: All of the same dilemmas and quandaries as home, but you have to obey some invisible code of respect. Even though “We’re family! We’re a work family!” Well, no. Not really. At home we just yell, “Stop smacking!” and call it a day.

Good luck.

Warmly,
WM

two more weeks ’til Christmas break, and monday advice column: should i wean my baby?

December 10th, 2007

And that’s about all I have to say. This has not been the easiest autumn at Wacky House. But I did survive a field trip here. It turned out to be a blast. Get it — rocks? TNT? Ha.

I’m writing fiction today, so no big posts.

Let’s be careful out there.

I do have one question for the advice column. And no, this should not be substituted for “real” medical advice, this column. A disclaimer: I am no expert.

Dear Wacky Mommy:
I am taking sh*t for “extended” nursing. He’s fifteen months old. WTF? I have a hard time telling people that it’s none of their business. Also, his dad is already saying what a hard time I will have with weaning. Why is everybody so effing concerned with my tits and not my son’s health and well being?

Signed,
Help

Dear Help:
Your tits are no one’s business but yours and your son’s. Unless you’re trying to get pregnant again (breastfeeding does not always prevent pregnancy, we know this, ladies. But it does seem to have a correlation with decreased fertility), unless you’re taking drugs or drink that your child should not be ingesting, unless you’re using nursing as a way to avoid sex — oh, wait, I think I’m OK with that one — then nurse away.

I nursed my daughter ’til age 2, and only quit when I got pregnant. (And only then, it was because I was having some bleeding and the nursing seemed to make it worse. History of miscarriage and all.) I nursed my son until 18 months, and only quit then because he was too busy chasing after his sister to want to sit down and nurse.

That was when the hormones plummeted. I got a little bit of post-partum depression, but counseling, meds, vitamins and calcium helped. (Fuck you, Tom Cruise, BTW. You have no idea what it’s like to go through PPD.)

Weaning was not an issue at my house, because in both cases we were ready to quit at the same time.

Milk has been know to stick around, just in case you or your baby have a change of heart. Enough water and nursing gets it going again.

A lot of women nurse their kids until they’re 2, 3 or 4 — they’re just not talking about it because they’re made to feel ashamed and dirty. Your partner is a lactation consultant? What? I mean, he thinks he’s more of an expert on boobs than you are? He doesn’t even have any.

Don’t feel dirty — you’re not. You’re comforting your baby.

Get a T-shirt printed that says, “I make milk. What’s your superpower?” and tell people that your tits are not up for discussion.

Bon appetit to your little guy.

Love,
WM

Friday Advice Column for Wacky Mothers & Others: Peace on Earth

December 7th, 2007

It’s been a long while since I’ve run an advice column, eh? Here’s a question:

Dear Wacky Mommy:

What are some fun things to do in Portland over the holidays?

Signed,

New Here

Dear New Here:

You could always go to a petting zoo.

Love,

WM

PS — If you have questions, send ‘em in and I will try to get them answered. WM

Wacky Girl, re: Jesus: “Yeah, people really are all about him this time of year.”

Worry Reduction Techniques

November 9th, 2007

I cannot remember where I found this, but I didn’t write it. It does come in handy, from time to time.

WM

Worry Reduction Techniques

1. When I find myself worrying, I will divert my attention from the future (or past) to the present.

2. The worst is very unlikely to occur, even if it does, I will handle it.

3. I will try to take one thing and one day at a time.

4. Relaxation will reduce both worrying and anxiety.

5. I will do planning but reduce my worrying.

6. Worry is irrelevant.

7. I am not in charge of anyone else’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

8. People and situations do not upset me, I do.

9. I will recognize and let go of those things that I cannot change.

10. I will stop worrying now.

parenting advice

November 9th, 2007

I posted this comment on Planet Nomad’s blog (interesting discussion going about favoritism) and wanted to leave it here, too.

Oh. My. Gosh! Hockey God just made coffee, and the kids have the day off school so I’m in my pajamas still, not rushing out the door. Glory halleluJAH!

happy friday, everyone!

The best parenting advice given to me and my husband was in the middle of an ultrasound, when the tech told us, in a speedy fashion, that her son was three, and “Here’s everything I know about parenting so far. After the baby gets here, your dog will be just a dog; it’s not the terrible two’s it’s the terrible three’s; and give specific choices: the blue cup or the green one? The yellow shirt or the blue? OK, that’s it, thanks you guys!” I was laughing so hard.

So… what’s the best (or worst) parenting advice you’ve ever gotten?

Thursday Thirteen #102: 13 Story Ideas for The Oregonian/You Missed the Boat

July 18th, 2007

Thursday 13ers and Usual Suspects, we have company today. The Oregonian is here. Sure, they won’t leave comments or anything, but they’re here.

Hi, guys. (more…)

Tuesday Advice Column: When You’re Expecting Houseguests

June 26th, 2007

Oh, Friday Advice Column, how I miss you! But I have been busy. And Swiffering.

How about a Tuesday Advice Column instead?

Love,

WM

Dear Wacky Mommy:

Do your children pick up after themselves? Do they put their own clothes away? If so, how do you get them to do this?

Signed,

A Little Messed-Up

Dear Messed-Up: (more…)

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