(Photo by Steve Rawley)

hey, dear Blog,

happy birthday, blog. happy happy wacky mommy blog that doesn’t pay the bills but keeps me writing. on Valentine’s Day we will celebrate seven years together. as my Dear Late Granny would say, Seems like seventy. so let’s have some fun, my blog, every day this month. (or as close to it as we can, what say?)

you go first.

kidding.

let’s start with a few random posts, based on what people are looking for in their searches:

1) chocolate volcano cake. this recipe is my ma’s, but I stole it and now it’s mine. and now it’s yours. I have heard that women have been proposed to once they made this cake for those special men in their lives.

2) skinny bitch in the kitch. i didn’t write it, but i appreciate the sass behind the phrase.

3) dolphin sex (what?)

4) wacky mommy sex

5) rockstar mommy (my girl, not yours. sorry, that’s all i’m gonna say ;) mine mine mine)

and now five of my favorites:

1) i had a bad year in 1997 (one of the hardest things i ever had to write)

2) & 3) two columns about racism: one and two

4) Happy VD! Clap, everybody, clap!

and…

one of my very, very favorites:

5) Thirteen Ways to Get It Up

come back tomorrow and we’ll play some more, ‘k?

xo

nancy

skinny bitch recipes
chili with wine
rockstar mommy
funny family mottos
wacky mommy
wacky sex
chili wine
chocolate volcano cake
rockstar mommy blog
skinny bitch in the kitch recipes

yes, am skinny bitch, bitches! welcome! happy New Year! happy Year of the Dragon! hope your holidays were merry and bright, and that the fates allowed everything u wanted ’em to.

— wm

(photo by Steve Rawley)

thanks for the writing prompt, y’all.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? Started working out every day.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I always pledge to get more writing done, and this year I did.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My girlfriend C! She had a little girl. Happy mama of four now. And K’s mommy had a little boy. Sweet babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes.

5. What countries did you visit? USA and that’s it. Would like to travel to Canada next year and check out Butchart Gardens.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? World peace. Again.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Hmmm — the kids’ birthdays, probably. And Steve’s and mine, too.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting my first novel published. Also I quit drinking. Christmas Eve made eight months for me. It feels really good, and we’re saving a load of money, too.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not going there.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No, knock wood.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Food.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My kids’. They make me proud every day.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? People who are in charge who should not be.

14. Where did most of your money go? House and food and utility bills. And gas.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Planting our first garden at the new house.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? Probably “Forget You,” by Cee Lo Green.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier, for sure.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner.
c) richer or poorer? More content, that’s all I care about.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Played.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Cleaned house.

20. How did you spend Christmas? At home. It was peaceful and good, and we had good food to eat (in spite of a broken stove). For New Year’s Eve, we told the kids to invite their friends over for a kids-only party. Should be lively.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? Man, I fall in love with Steve all over again every day. Thank God, cuz otherwise we’d throttle each other.

22. What were your favorite TV programs? Revenge, New Girl, Raising Hope, Glee

23. What was the best book you read? Whatever one I’m reading right now. Today, it’s Ruth Reichl’s memoir, “Garlic and Sapphires.” Funny and wicked.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Pop music! The kids have established full and complete musical domination over us.

25. What did you want and get? Love and time with Steve and the kids.

26. What did you want and not get? For all of my friends (and for me, too) to get (and keep) jobs. Also for everyone to stay healthy and for no one to die.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? The final Harry Potter.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 47. My family made me homemade ravioli and cake poppers, it was awesome. We celebrated at home, and we celebrated after the fact, but for some reason, this just made it more special. Awww…

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If it had worked out at my last job. But it didn’t. Next!

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? Work-out attire, 101.

31. What kept you sane? Walking on my treadmill daily, doing yoga, meditating.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Occupy protesters.

33. What political issue stirred you the most? Occupy and everything they’re doing to give our country a shove in the right direction.

34. Who did you miss? (Same answer as Zoot’s) As always: My Dad. My friend Frank. And, for our entire community cuz we’re all missing him, Rob. Frank and Rob’s families are in my thoughts daily.

35. Who was the best new person you met? My friend A, who I hope to spend more time with in 2012.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Drinking makes you depressed. Who knew? hahaha.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year you can’t get out of your head.

“All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you’d better run, better run, outrun my gun.
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you’d better run, better run, faster than my bullet.”

Cheerful, no? Music is a sign of the times, that’s all.

Happy Year of the Dragon, everyone.

— wm

(Photo by Steve Rawley.) (Everyone in our neighborhood went crazy with the big ornaments on their outdoor trees and shrubbery this year. Also those oversized, fake wrapped “presents.” Whoa. We put up a few lights. They looked nice. The end.)

* You ever send a note to a friend, then realize it was their work e-mail and pray like heck that it didn’t go into a general delivery mailbox? Because it was personal?

* Uh, no. That never ever happens. Whoops. (Edited to say: It all turned out okey-dokey. Thank the e-mail gods.)

* I usually don’t get all that into the holidays. I want to, but I hold back. Or I give up. They can be a let-down, and also expensive. A costly bummer, some years. Also, the kids and I often have differing opinions about how to make a holiday “successful.” I don’t want to give away any family secrets or anything, but their version? Much more expensive than mine.

* This year I kinda have the holiday spirit. Weird, right? Nice and weird. Did a little shopping yesterday, we’re figuring out menus for Christmas Eve and Day, and I’d like to do something special for New Year’s Eve, too.

* My girlfriend N signed me up for a recipe chain-mail. I’m not crazy about chain-mails, but you know I love recipes! I’ve done them in the past, without much luck. But this time? Score. (ps I’m sending around the Chocolate Volcano Cake for my recipe.) I’ll share them with the Internets, so you can play along at home:

Cucumber Salad

1 cucumber
2 or 3 green onions
mayonnaise
sweetener (I use Splenda) or sugar
vinegar

1st: put 2 tbsp mayo in a mixing bowl, add 1 or 2 tsp. of Splenda or sugar and mix up thoroughly
2nd: add about a tsp vinegar and blend well, then add another tsp of vinegar and again blend
3rd: slice cucumber very thinly and mix into sauce
4th: clean and cut 2 or 3 green onions (only just into the green part) add to the cucumbers and
refrigerate for an hour or so.

You now have a delicious, refreshing salad all ready to enjoy!

Fish Tacos and Cilantro Coleslaw

25 min | 5 min prep
4 tacos

* 4 frozen battered fish fillets
* 4 8-inch flour tortillas
* 1/4-1/3 head green cabbage
* 2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
* 1 green onion, sliced or minced
* 1 teaspoon chopped jalapeno or serrano chili , to taste
* 1 tablespoon mayonnaise
* 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
* 1/2 teaspoon cumin seed or 1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
* salt and pepper, to taste

1. Bake fish fillets according to package directions.
2. Wrap the tortillas in aluminum foil and place them in the oven to heat.
3. Or heat them at the last minute in a microwave in plastic wrap.
4. Shred or chop the cabbage.
5. In a medium bowl, combine the cabbage with all the remaining ingredients.
6. Cut each hot fish fillet into 6-8 pieces, then pile into a hot tortilla with lots of slaw.

and… last but certainly not least:

Mackinaw Island Fudge

All the way from Michigan! “It’s a good one,” according to the nice woman who e-ed this to me.

4 cups of sugar, 1 cup milk (whole works best), 1 tsp. vanilla, 1 cup butter, 1 & 1/2 cup mini marshmallows, 12 oz. chocolate stars candy (I use Brachs), 12 oz. chocolate chips, 12 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1 cup chopped nuts (optional)

Mix sugar, milk, and vanilla in a pan. Add butter and bring mixture to a boil. Let boil for 2 minutes. Remove from heat and add marshmallows. Then add chocolate a little at a time, stirring constantly so you get a smooth batter… add nuts if you wish… line a 9×13 glass pan with parchment paper for easy lifting… pour mixture onto paper… chill thoroughly…. cut into whatever size pieces you wish and enjoy!

And now, for the free advertising for Kroger. (Ralph’s, Fred Meyer, King Soopers, etc.) (Please see disclaimer.) They’ve re-worked their Private Selection line, and sent us coupons for free samples. It’s pretty good. We tried the Pizza Margherita. It was a little watery because they used cherry tomatoes, but other than that, good, with pesto and mozzarella balls. Crust was crispy, thin and tasty. If they work on the recipe a little more, they’ll nail it. We also gobbled up the appetizers — a spinach pesto puff, mushroom phyllo triangle and feta and sun-dried tomato phyllo roll. These were from the “Mediterranean-Inspired” hors d’oeuvres collection. OK, I like salty snacks, and these had just the right amount of flavor, salt, crunch and grease. They have a whole new line of desserts, too — blueberry peach panna cotta, pineapple upside down cake… yum.

Bon appetit!

— wm

It’s Tuesday, and about time for an update from the Wacky House:

* School has started. The kids are doing great (4th grade and 7th grade this year #wheretheheckdoesthetimego???.

* Steve took some vacation days here and there this summer, and is back to work. He can bike to work now. He’s still bloggin’ away, as you can see, and occasionally arguing with assclowns. (Currie, you really do work my nerves. And don’t think I’ve forgotten how you like to defend pedophiles like “homeless activist” Michael Stoops.) (Hell hath no fury, and memory, like me.)

* Do I have a job yet? No, I do not. I am planning to start working the phrase “as a former sex worker” into conversations, though. For example: “As a former sex worker, I can recommend the non-fat skinny vanilla latte.” That should lively things up.

* Will I be placed in a school this year? Will I remain unpaid and still-gainfully retired, writing away? We’ll see…

* Book is almost ready for publication, I’ll keep you posted. Still working on my Dear Late Granny’s cookbook/memoir. Bogged down a little, what else is new? Seriously. I spent about 400 500 617 hours pinning laundry to the line this summer and watering the garden and yard. Seriously. It rained today and I almost ran out and kissed the muddy ground I was so happy.

* am Oregon girl.

* Mt. Hood fires need to go out. The air quality has been crummy, the sunsets and sunrises look a lot like L.A. and… I like trees. That mountain terrifies me, but I love it. Maybe the rain will help?

* in other family news, the youngest cat, Baby, has let the following be known (via his messenger, the youngest child, Wacky Boy): “He does not want his Chicken Coop to be called that anymore; he wants us to call it his ‘Man Cave.'” (Referring to Baby’s corner retreat in the library, where he keeps his scratching post, blankie, toys and catnip.)

* When my husband woke up our daughter this morning “it’s after 7! wake up!” she responded with this: “Fu…..” Her father’s response: “What was that?” Wacky Girl, fast on her feet, even when she’s sacked out: “I said ‘Ugh.'” Yeah, sure you did.

* This is the same girl who yelled, “Goddammit!” at her father when he got shampoo in her eyes, when she was not-quite-two. Steve: “Nancy, do you have any idea where she got that?” Me: “Nope.” (inside, heart swelling with pride, My girl.) (and really, aren’t you a little surprised that she didn’t yell, Goddammit, Steve!)

* what’s up with you??

— wm

Did I forget to mention that we went on vacation? We did. To the shore. It was relaxing. Total, complete re-charge. i love salt air. It was only for a couple of days, but good enough. Lots of seagulls, diving birds, screaming-fussy kids (not mine) and a coyote, skedaddling across the busy road.

He made it to the other side.

thought for the day:

!Libros si! !Bombas no!

Books, yes! Bombs, no!

Happy end of summer. Back to the books soon, kids.

— wm

Had such a good day today, great mood, great weather, hanging out with my family. The neighbors had a garage sale and let us sell some stuff over there, so we were running back and forth all day, playing and visiting.

Then some rude woman road-raged all over me and it just bummed me out. And freaked me out. (She followed us! WTF?? All because I wasn’t doing what she wanted me to in traffic. ie — I didn’t run down a pedestrian — I waited for him.)

Must. Not. Let. Other people’s moods splash all over me. Then I start snappin’, cuz they’re snappin’! People, we are human beans, not alligators. No snappin’!

Argh.

Now feeling okay, but it’s bedtime. Maybe I’ll stay up for another hour, just to enjoy not being all pissed off. Seriously, it was creepy. And if someone who is road-raging follows you? Drive to the nearest police station, don’t park and pretend nothing is happening. (Like I did.)

Yes. She saw where I parked and keyed my car.

Dang, summer gets busy, doesn’t it?

Happy Sunday to y’all. And to those of you patriotic types out there, happy Fourth of July. Try not to blow up anything right outside my bedroom window, okay? OK! Hey, I know I’ve been missing in action. But I also know that you don’t read blogs anymore, cuz you’re so busy with that little hussy, Facebook. I have a whole long essay I’d like to write, re: Facebook, but they did a switch-up and made it so you can easily cancel a friend request, if you so desire. And that makes me happy because, you know. Drunk Facebooking: Why It’s Bad.

Kidding! I stopped drinking two months ago! Just booze. I still drink water and iced tea, fyi.

So I cannot blame The Booze for anything anymore. But I never could, anyway. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but I’ve lost some weight and my blood sugars seem to be not freaking out as much, and that’s good.

Oh. Here’s a social etiquette FB question for you: Let’s say you have a friend, and your friend changes her home number, her cell number, gets a new job, doesn’t give you any of the three new numbers… OK. That’s bad enough, right?

(“Grab a fucking clue!” — my drug-addicted friend’s drug addict boyfriend, when I called her before noon one time. She hung up, then when I called back, he yelled that in the background and she hung up again. Later, this happened. (Different guy.) Uh, yeah. I used to have the sweetest friends!)

Where was I? OK, the phone number thing, then she de-friends you on FB. But keeps your husband as a friend? I think not. She’s not even real-life friends with him! We were friends from, you know, back in the day, WTF? Steve is all, Cat fight, i’m out of here. hahaha. I sent her a friend request, then thought, What am I, nuts? (Grabbing clue, canceling friend request.) The Nice Girl inside of my head keeps saying, primly, I’m sure it was all a big mistake.

Ha.

Here’s how kids cry in the suburbs: “Hu-waaaaaaaaah, hu-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, hu-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh…”

Here’s what the moms say: “If everyone can’t play together nicely, then everyone will have to go home.”

Kids: “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!”

(verbatim dialogue from across the street.)

So my question is, I guess: Do I call her? Oh, wait… Alright, if she calls me, do I ask, WTF? Do I send her a message on FB, asking her if we’re still friends? (What am I, a teenager here?) We didn’t have a fight or anything, that I can recall. To the best of my recollection. She got pissed off about something, but that was a long time ago, and I thought we patched it up? (It wasn’t me, anyway — it was a third person, and was just lame.) (I wasn’t even there, alright? Long story, nevermind.)

(here’s some skateboarder dialogue from midnight, the other night. we live on a steep hill that the long-boarders loooooooooooooove. It’s like the Mountain Dew action tour, every frickin’ day):

SPECTACULAR CRASH, followed by:

1st skater: “Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

2nd skater: “Dude!”

1st skater: “Dude, seriously. I just fucked up my leg.” (Thirty-second pause.) “It’s okay, it’s just fractured, not broken.”

(thoughts from Dr. Mom: Really? Without an x-ray you just diagnosed that in less than one minute? Wow, you are good!)

2nd skater: “Which direction did your board go?” (we live in the suburbs — it’s like the country out here, at night — dark and everyone asleep in the barn.)

1st skater: “That way. Aiiiiiiiiiiiiii why did I think I could pull that one off?”

Man.

What else? Steve and the kids made me the best birthday dinner last night. (The guys were out of town last week, so we had a belated celebration.) Homemade Cheese Ravioli (thank you, Wacky Girl — your pasta-making skills astound me) and Cake Poppers, a la Zoot. (Thank you, Wacky Boy, for your willingness to smush together cake and frosting and turn it into art). (More pix over here.)

What? It’s not your birthday?

Frances (from “A Birthday for Frances”): “That is how it is, Alice. Your birthday is always the one that is not now.”

i (heart) my family for a lot of reasons, and especially because they always make my birthday special.

Now they’re at a family barbecue, and I am not. Which means I need to get back to editing, already.

hugs and kisses, little fishes,
xoxoxo

me

i asked Steve to change my password on my Facebook account and lock me out. so he did. It’s just… awesome. Awesome is an anchovy word, according to my son, i.e., “a word that is used too much, like ‘awesome’ or ‘cool’ or stuff like… who knows.”

Anchovy words = bad.

Being off FB = AWESOME. It sucks the brains out of my head, that’s why.

now what do I with all my free time? hahaha. Writing all week, wish me luck. the sun is out, it’s a good day over here. i am thinking of my Oregon friends and Internet friends in different parts of the U.S. and the world who aren’t having such an easy time right now, and… i am hoping things get better for y’all, soon.

that’s all.

— wm