I sometimes wonder why we’re all here. Well, I wonder why you’re here, at any rate. I know why I’m here. I’ve been here since 4:45 a.m. But what brought you here? My insight? Political intrigue? My finely-tuned wit? Apparently it’s all that… and my recipe for refrigerator pickles. And then there’s the Volcano Cake. (Always in the top five.)

Fine then, fine! I can handle it! You’re in it for the recipes. Thirteeners and Usual Suspects, here are 13 recent searches that brought people to Wacky Mommy, Inc.

1) refrigerator pickles (you will be happy with this recipe)

2) wacky mommy (here I yam)

3) chocolate volcano cake (you will be happy with this recipe, too)

4) breastfeeding movie scene (I got nothin’)

5) fuck my neighbor (to this I say, “No, fuck my neighbor. Please, fuck both my neighbors.”)

6) you just never know whats going to happen in vail (that’s what I’m saying! Who would have thought Vail would be so unpredictable?)

7) husbandry book review (was the author searching for this? If he finds it, he won’t like it.)

8) crack smokin kitty pettin (Wacky Mommy is all for it)

9) mommy sex (I’m all for that, too)

10) yo gabba gabba shirts (Rock Star Mommy, can you help?)

11) germaine greer princess diana (Germaine Greer can kiss my ass.)

12) pineapple upside down cake with cake mix (yes! You can thank my granny)

13) dirty sluts (sure)

Other searches: my nekkid wife; the tillamook fairies (???); crabs public lice french (forget those private lice — we’re all about public domain over here); oh ya mommy (finally, someone who isn’t telling me “no,” just say “yeah…”); my sexy neighbor (no, my sexy neighbor); girls with see through shirts in the rain (guilty as charged); witchi-tai-to (yay, Jim Pepper!); sexy mommy (thank you); lactation nazi (not here); drunk mommy (sure)…

and…

Wait! We have more! offit vaccinated review (somehow, I think they’re not going to be excited about this review, either); p diddys macaroni and cheese recipe (heh heh heh); neighbors naked (it never fails. Get creative ya’ll, would you?).

See you next time!

WM

Thursday 13ers and Usual Suspects,

Are you thinking to yourself, “You know what WM needs to do? The girl needs to become a Sunday School teacher!”??? Were you really? Because I was, too. Spooky!

13 reasons i became a sunday school teacher
by Wacky Mommy

1) I couldn’t find a “real” job

2) If you saw how disorganized I truly am (well, maybe you have a clue, given how random this blog is), you’d realize I really need to throw some stability into my paperwork and life. Lesson plans! A set schedule! A need to wear grown-up clothes!

3) My husband thinks it’s sexy. Meow.

4) I pawned off my children on my unsuspecting mother today, so I was free. FREE! Freeeeeeeeeeee… Mom, thank you, you rock, Mom. I bought myself some take-out for lunch, then I watched a little of “One Life to Live” and a little of “General Hospital.” (Both dull, I am sorry to report. Can we sex it up a little, soaps? Because, damn.)

I was looking through the Good Vibrations sex toys catalog, after I watched “Weeds” on DVD, after I got bored with the soaps. Then I had an iced coffee.

When your children are away for the day, it is good to multi-task.

Then I went to Teacher Training tonight at church! People, it is the little quirks and turns in life that make it beautiful.

5) Also, the church staff asked (read: begged) for volunteers, cuz we were way short on teachers. They needed me!

6) Teaching is stressful, it turns out, and you know what a little stress biscuit I am. High on Stress! (I used to have a T-shirt that said that.)

7) Who needs sex on Sunday mornings when you can go teach 20 little wildcats all about music, love, Zen principles and Earth Day?!?

8) That’s right. I go to a hippie church. An all-inclusive, extremely accepting, gay-friendly, “fudge-packin’, crack-smokin’, Satan-worshippin’ motherfucker” church. (That’s from Nirvana, remember them? Their “good boy” T-shirt said “flower sniffin’, kitty pettin’, baby kissin’ corporate rock whores.”)

Because where else would I fit in? When you see the church-folk marching at the peace rallies here, right behind the No War Drum Corps, that is my church. I love my church. And I would like to say thank you to the drum corps, if they’re reading, for fricking rippin’ it up all the time. (They start off with the drums, we start marching, my daughter asks, “Mommy, why are all those police there?” and points to the 200 cops on bikes. I say, “To escort us!” and off we go.)

9) I like kids. I think they deserve love, peace and no wars. I think that little kids, Iraqi kids especially, deserve for their grandparents to not be killed by the U.S. government. I think the U.S. government should get behind this sentiment. “War Kills Grandmas” was a slogan Wacky Girl came up with, all on her own. I was very proud, the day she dreamed that one up.

I know I gripe about kids all the time, and puzzle over their crazy antics, but at the heart of it? I like kids. I want them to be happy, and know we care about them.

10) We do fun stuff at church, too, not just political and educational stuff. We make art. Read. Have potlucks and picnics. Give each other flowers. Do the baby tree dance around the courtyard.

11) I like the other teachers, they’re kooky.

12) One word: snacks and juice.

13) God loves me.

Thirteeners and Usual Suspects,

Did you miss me half as much as I missed you? I don’t know if that is possible, cuz I missed you a lot! We were on vacation, through Oregon, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming and Colorado. It was fun. It was fantastic. It was so much fantastic fun that I am having trouble settling back in to “real” life and instead, am dreaming of this 13… (more…)

Dear Thursday Thirteeners and all the Usual Suspects,

Do you remember being 7 years old? I do. It was fun. I learned to ride my bike — my Dad taught me. I played Red Rover, Red Rover and hide and seek with all the neighbor kids. I loved going to ballet class, and to the lake and river. I loved my second-grade teacher because she thought everything I did was perfect. I had fun playing beauty shop with my 4-year-old sister. We had a Halloween carnival, just the two of us.

For my daughter, however, 7 has not been that fun. She’s the guest poster this week. Presenting… Wacky Girl, in living color:

A lot of people of people think it’s fun being 7. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it’s not.

1. You’re in the middle, right in the middle, of all the kid ages, up to 10.

2. There’s no good movies cuz they’re all either baby movies or grown-up movies.

3. It seems like all the people are older than you.

4. If they’re not, then it’s good.

5. When they’re babies I like to play with them.

6. If you have a younger sibling then they get, like… Well. If you do something, like it’s the first time, and then the sibling feels jealous of you. And then they get to do the same thing for the first time, even though they’re younger, which is not fair. Like seeing PG movies.

7. Also, if you have a younger person in your family, they usually get to go first.

8. Sometimes when you’re the oldest it’s fun. Sometimes your brother or sister don’t get jealous, and you get to take the first turn.

9. You’re almost 8, and you’re almost 9, when you’re 7.

10. Seven is a lucky number.

11. You get to eat hard candy.

12. You can swim better. I’m in Seals in swim lessons.

13. You get to stay up later and watch more grown-up TV!

I love everyone!

Wacky Girl

Thirteeners and Usual Suspects,

Are you hot? Hockey God is. No, I mean, really. It was warm today. Also, he’s sexy. We may run away together. Oh, wait! Already did. I mainly love him for many, many reasons. Scads of reasons. A plethora of reasons. Myriad reasons. But largely because (damn, one glass of wine and I can’t type):

13) He insults microwbrew drinkers. Which is about shocking in these parts of the woods.

12) He drinks vodka rocks, which is about sexy.

11) the big one. you know.

10) He gardens, mows the lawn, oh, wait. That’s me. He gardens and occasionally mows the lawn.

9) He plays hockey.

8) He’s romantic. He asked me to marry him when we ran off to Portugal.

7) Our wedding was perfect. I mean — so fun, so different, so just what I wanted. Perfect.

6) He figured out how to take care of our kids before I did. Me: Diaper wrap? Him: Voila!

5) He loves his family. He loves my family. He fell in love with my cat, Wacky Cat 1, before he fell in love with me. She’s kind of a handful, so this meant a lot to me.

4) He’s fairly tolerant of my superstitions and the way I insist on making the sign of the cross over him whenever I’m worried. (I do this to the kids, too.) (I know Unitarians supposedly rejected the whole Trinity business, but they are a tolerant people, so I feel free to worship as I please. And free to make the sign of the cross whenever I am so moved.)

3) When we got married, he asked my Granny, “Can I call you Grandma now?” which, you know. Made her weep. And he asked my Grandpa for my hand in marriage which, you know. Made my Grandpa and me both weep. For different reasons. My Grandpa: “Thank God she left that mental midget she was with before and is marrying an Iowa boy.” Me: “He is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met.” (sob.)

2) He is great to snuggle with. He’s like a big bear.

1) He gives me whatever I want.

HAPPY THURSDAY, EVERYONE!!!!

Thirteen, how I love you.

I love these hot summer nights, too. Especially:

13) Cool, crisp, clean sheets on the bed after a

12) Cool shower

11) Ice cream in the yard

10) Watering the vegetable garden and hanging flower baskets last thing at night so I don’t have to water first thing in the morning

9) Smelling the night-blooming jasmine that has taken over my fence

8) Watching my kids splash in their wading pool

7) Writing in my journal in the yard

6) Croquet!

5) Badminton!

4) Hanging the laundry out on the line and it’s dry by the morning

3) Getting the kids to bed and staying up late, drinking gin and tonics and playing cards with my husband (Pounce! aka Nerts!)

2) Listening to all the night noises — crazy howling cats, neighbors out for midnight walks, all of the sounds that are missing or muffled during the winter

1) Crickets

(Edited Thursday morning to say: How cool is that — I have Meatloaf ringtones on Google ads over there! Go click my ads, I (heart) Google money. I was singing “Hot Summer Night” in the shower last night, after writing this post. Heh heh. Thank you for all the comments — you guys are the best readers ever.)

Thursday 13ers and Usual Suspects, we have company today. The Oregonian is here. Sure, they won’t leave comments or anything, but they’re here.

Hi, guys. (more…)

People, it is no fun to have no electricity when the temperature has soared to 102. We had no power from 4:30-9:30 p.m. yesterday. For the Thursday Thirteen, here is what we did: (more…)

So stuck-up, doing a “greatest hits” of my Thursday Thirteens. (But when has being stuck-up ever stopped me?) We stayed up too late last night. Mojitos were involved. The Pink-Haired Housewife and the Barkeep were over. And I’m too lazy to try to track down all my old faves from everyone else’s blogs, so here we go…

I haven’t been with Thursday Thirteen since the beginning, and I didn’t know I was supposed to number by the week I was on. So that’s why I’m even-steven with 100, when really it’s only been 49. (I deleted one accidentally.)

I read a TON of the Thirteeners, but some of my favorites (and I have many) are Mallory, Vader’s Mom, Jenny McB, Zoot, Gabrielle, DK Raymer. And my husband, More Hockey Less War, natch. Sorry if I left your blog off the list. Again, mojitos fog over here. But I do read a bunch of you every week, even though I’m bad about leaving comments, sometimes.

(Drive-bys, I call those.)

Here are some of the Thursday Thirteens I’ve written that y’all seemed to like, and that are favorites of mine, too.

1. My 13 Superpowers

2. 13 Things I Did as a Kid

3. 13 Stupid Things People Have Said to Me Since My Dog Died

4. 13 Funny Stories About My Dog (cuz you have to take the sweet along with the bitter. Ha ha.)

5. 13 Reasons Portland is Lousy

6. 13 Reasons Why You Should Not Go On American Idol

7. 13 Things My Husband and I Disagree On

8. Thirteen Things Bosses Have Said to Me

9. 13 Things My Grandma Likes to Say Over and Over

10. 13 Reasons Why I ROCK, plus a Q&A with myself

11. 13 Reasons Why YOU ROCK!

12. 13 Things I Do to Fuck with My Cantankerous Neighbor

13. My favorite post I’ve ever written. Ever. Thirteen Ways to Get It Up!

Happy Thursday, everyone! Happy 100!

My Grandma is an interesting chick. She’s funny and loud, a great cook, a good friend and listener. I’ve been meaning for years now (since I was in college) to help her jot down some memories. She doesn’t type, use a computer or take shorthand. I do occasionally write, so there you have it.

She turns 87 next Tuesday (it’s my mom’s birthday, too! Happy birthday, Mom!) so Internet, tell my Grandma and Mom happy birthday, would you? And now, for a 13:

13. Grandparents, parents (and uh, me) tend to sometimes tell you the same story over and over and over. Have you noticed this? Not if you’re really listening they don’t. I started asking questions and off we went…

12. I started out by asking her if it was okay if I wrote some things down for my kids, so they can remember her. Maybe a few anecdotes, a little bit of a family tree. Then we added recipes. My grandma and I love recipes. (See here, here and here for a few favorites.)

11. Next thing I know, she’s telling me about the time she and my grandfather ran off to the Memphis Zoo in the middle of the night.

10. Then she’s pouring her heart out, talking about my grandpa, and my dad (my Grandma loved my dad and stood by him when he was so sick), and we’re talking about all this, and about all the places she loved to go camping when her kids were little kids. To her, it seems like that was yesterday. My kids are little kids right now and some days? It feels like it will last forever. But I know it won’t. (I am looking forward to them growing up and dreading it, too.) Time goes so fast. You know that, but you don’t really know it until you’re almost 90, I guess. I made a list of all of her favorite getaways and am including that in the book.

9. The book? Yes. We’re turning it into a book. We can print it through Cafe Press. (PS — Shameless Commerce Plug — You know I sell Wacky Mommy gear at Cafe Press, yes? Go buy some!!!) I am so psyched about this book. She can sell it to her buddies at church, to her family back home, to the neighbors, to her own kids (ha, ha). Funny, eh? She wants to donate the proceeds to Meals on Wheels. (Thank you, Meals on Wheels, for visiting my Grandma five days a week.) I already have I don’t even know how many pages typed up. Twenty or so? I’m shooting for something around one hundred pages. Mebbe one twenty five. And I’ve typed up a bunch of recipes.

8. Including this one. It’s perfect for Fourth of July:

SHOYU CHICKEN
2 lbs. chicken
¼ cup oil
¼ cup soy sauce
¼ cup brown sugar
Garlic (1 clove)
½ tsp. grated ginger

Mix. Marinate. Bake at 350 degrees 1 hour or barbeque, turning twice. Sauce can be thickened with cornstarch.

7. Which reminds me. I need to get her potato salad recipe. And the recipe for the salad she makes with butter lettuce and milk dressing.

6. I’ve found out all kinds of stuff about our family, the Depression, World War II, her life. For instance, her brother was a bootlegger. And she and my Grandpa used to own a store, back home in Arkansas.

5. My mom is psyched, too — she has a family tree she’s going to send me, so we can include that in the front. It goes back to 1730!! Geez, who knew? That’s on my Grandpa’s side. And my Grandma’s side goes back to her grandparents, around the 1860s? My mom is going to keep researching.

4. It has made us closer, talking. I’ve been trying to call her at least every other day, and interviewing her for an hour or so at a time. Sometimes it’s a little much for her, tripping down memory lane. It can be a little intense.

3. But her mind is so clear and her memories are so strong. I’m grateful for this.

2. It means a lot to my mom.

1. My cousin and I are planning to add a memories section to the back, with our favorite stories about her. And we’re going to put a section of “Grandma-isms” in there, too. Fun!! Happy Thursday, everyone!

“The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.”
— Madeleine L’Engle, writer (1918- )